Beijing Boyce

I went to the Beijing Pop Festival in Chaoyang Park two weeks ago and happily found proletarian beer prices: 4 yuan for a can of Blue Diamond. As for the bands, CJ was OK, Supergrass was Supergood, and Sebastian Bach should not wear a bright yellow Mandarin robe as it makes him look like an over-rouged blond-maned tranny with a cultural identity crisis. Other observations: I bought my official ticket not from a booth, not from a table, but from a silver gray Elantra. The security included PLA-looking guards, bao-an in poorly fitting uniforms, and secret service guys in dark suits, and I wondered what they thought about Bach swearing, screaming, prancing about stage and throwing microphone stands into the wings. The fans drank responsibly and behaved, with the most blatant sign of alcohol being the very relaxed guy with a pup tent and a small table holding four glasses of tequila. The music is rock, not pop, and anyway, if the promoters want to get out the locals, why not splash out for some act that was popular in the eighties band and has plenty of KTV standards, such as Whitney Houston or Air Supply?  Pizza by the slice should be a given at these things. Discovery of the day: that my friend’s wife used to play in a Japanese band that did Skid Row covers! 

(From Beijing Boyce XXIV, first emailed on September 21, 2006)

On my planet, the World Cup is a colossal chalice from which the peoples of the globe take a healthy draught in the name of peace. On this one, it is a bunch of matches during which players run back and forth like caffeinated gazelles, flop on the grass like gored bulls, and periodically direct a ball toward, and more rarely into, a net (and then blow kisses and pile on one another). Some day, I may fully understand these phenomena. Until then, here are ten World Cup observations from a soccer/football novice:

(1)

Did anyone NOT make the link between the U.S. fielding a player named Pope and earning a tie against Italy? “Italy tackles Pope” - that phrase alone inhibited the boys from Rome.

(2)

Why not give the referees more options than a yellow card (caution) or red card (ejection)? Possible additions:

- Black card: For a foul deserving more than a red card; the suspension equals in games the number of times the referee thrusts the card skyward.

- Black Card, with Jolly Roger: For an exceptionally egregious foul; offending player is executed on-field; final meal is allowed, counts toward injury time.

- Green Card: For convincing an opposing player to defect to your country, thereby reducing his team’s strength.

- Smiley-face Card: For helping up three fallen opponents during a game.

- Plaid Card: For fouls committed by Scottish players.

- Origami Card: For fouls committed by Japanese players.

- Jean-Luc Pi-Card: For fouls committed by players who are bald, eloquent, and/or Star Trek fans.

(3)

The sombrero is an unfortunate national symbol for Mexico, as is obvious to any fan sitting behind someone who is wearing or waving one.

(4)

Isn’t it a bit unfair to have two teams against one, such as in the England versus Trinidad and Tobago match?

(5)

One word, five letters: Ghana. That’s my team. I called the country’s embassy in Beijing last week and had the following conversation (it has been abbreviated for readability):

Me: I’m a fan of the Ghana team and want to get a jersey. Does the embassy have any for sale?

Ghana Guy: No.

Me: Do you know where I can get one?

GG: My guess would be Ghana.

Me: It wouldn’t arrive in time for Sunday’s game [it was Thursday]. Doesn’t any place sell them in Beijing?

GG: No.

Me: How about flags? Do you have any Ghana flags?

GG: Yes, we have one.

Me: Can I buy it?

GG: I don’t think so. It’s flying above our embassy.

Me: Can I rent it instead?

GG: No-o-o!

Lucky for me, M-Dawg pointed me to slsflag.com.cn, where they have plenty of Ghana flags and in plenty of sizes. Incidentally, I didn’t have a favorite soccer team, so I adopted Ghana’s a month ago because in college I had two house mates, Thomas and Edward, from there. Plus, it’s Ghana’s first World Cup, they are underdogs, and the players are creative and happy-go-lucky. What else can you ask for, except that they pull off a major upset? Oh, wait. They did. Against Czech! Go Ghana!

(6)

Perhaps the most memorable comment from the English broadcasts came after an Italian player bloodied an American one with an elbow (and no, it wasn’t Pope): “Of course, nobody’s allowed to stay on the field with blood escaping from their bodies [short and thoughtful pause] these days.”

Second place? The following inconsistent statements, barely a minute apart: “It’s that sort of game, very even” and “Ghana could easily be up three or four.”

(7)

Why does the average American find soccer/football boring, but the average person everywhere else finds it exciting? Does this gap in views explain U.S. foreign policy? Could it be reduced if the players wore helmets, chewed tobacco and called a dozen timeouts per game? Discuss.

(8)

I find it amusing that players sometimes writhe on the ground due to the slightest contact with an opposing player but seem able to withstand, and even enjoy, being blindsided and knocked to the ground by their entire team after scoring a goal.

(9)

Why do the English fans sing “God Save the Queen”? Freddie Mercury has been dead for more than a decade.

(10)

Finally, as someone who has never been keen on football, the World Cup has been an eye-opener. Many games have been superb, the play has been fast and aggressive (yes, I realize that most of the time the players are not acting when they go down), and… wait… there was something else I wanted to mention… wait… what was it? Oh, yes… Ghana won!

This issue marks more than 50,000 words of Beijing Boyce and the completion of a goal that dates decades. I was but a seven-year-old prodigy when I endured my classmates‘ humiliating laughter, stinging me like wet snapping towels, as I announced: “Some day, friends, I shall go forth to a faraway country and live in a faraway city where on the street they roast meat on wooden sticks, where in the apartments they scatter small slots into which you place pre-paid cards to procure utilities such as cold water, and where in the skies they sprinkle silver iodide to hurry down spring rain.” They were already snickering by this point, glancing at one another, rolling their eyes. Yet, like Celine Dion’s heart, I went on: “I shall go to that faraway city and create a newsletter in a language foreign to most of its inhabitants, and that newsletter shall be about the nascent pub scene. It shall aim to be fair and to embrace all establishments: the good, the bad and the ugly, and even those that are slightly attractive, given the right lighting. And by the time I write 50,000 words, I shall be sending that publication not just to a handful or to a few dozen people, but to 407 readers.” They laughed at me. But who has the last laugh now? / As usual, if you like this newsletter, pass it on. To get on the list, and be lucky reader 408, a person needs only send a “sign me up” email. / Eat, drink and be merry. BB.

(From Beijing Boyce XVIII, first emailed on June 8, 2006)

I ran into Steve Kuhn, the brains behind beijinglives.com, in The Bookworm. The website is going strong with info on events, bars and restaurants, and real estate and business, and gives readers the option of ranking bars and restaurants (those with higher scores get bigger fonts). “It’s interactive. Readers are also going to be writers,” says Steve. He adds that organizations or bars are free to list their events on the site. / Expect plenty of write-ups on Shanghai spots, including Judy’s, New Heights, Big Bamboo, Blue Frog and Bar Rouge, next issue, along with stories about Beijing’s bars. / Finally, it was great to meet up with some readers of this newsletter during Browns’ two-for-one party. Let’s do it again, and soon. Cheers, BB.

(From Beijing Boyce XI, first emailed on February 23, 2006)

The most impressive sight in Beijing is not The Great Wall, Forbidden City, Temple of Heaven or even watching Agent Red Wolf consume half a week’s salary in Mojitos in one evening. It was the fireworks on Chinese New Year’s Eve. From sunset to 1 AM, the skyline was awash with color and sound. My apartment’s view extends from Yabao Lu to Palm Springs and at no time were fewer than three fireworks displays were going off. Getting maximum enjoyment, though, took preparation. First, it meant cleaning my picture window by hanging out into the sky 18 floors up and scrubbing the glass with three socks tied around a mop handle. Next, I dragged the sofa in front of that window. Finally, I poured a glass of the finest Chinese Cognac I could find. Then, and only then, was I prepared for the pops, bangs and whistles mixing with the murmur of distant explosions and the rat-tat-tat of firecrackers. Slithering spinning whistlers, harsh double splintering starbursts, big color bombs whose launches sounded like two-ton tennis cans opening. It all reached an apex at midnight with more than 30 displays simultaneously going off. My team at Kangbao (”Land of Fortune”) apartments saved their best for last with rockets exploding outside my window and sending fragments hurtling against the glass. What a blast!

(From Beijing Boyce X, first emailed on February 10, 2006)

Hurun Reports has released its second annual survey of China’s fiscally elite (sample size: 589 people with at least 10 million kuai in wealth). Here are the top three in China for four different categories. Best Whisky: Chivas, Royal Salute, Johnnie Walker; best Cognac: Hennessy, Remy Martin, Martell (Beijing voted Remy Martin, Hennessy, Martell), best Champagne: Dom Perignon, Veuve Clicquot, Moet & Chandon (Beijing had Moet in second and Veuve in third); and best Chinese liquor: Wuliangye, Moutai, Luzhou Laojiao (Beijing had Moutai first and Wuliangye second). I’d love to know if these results line up identically with how much each brand spent on marketing.

 (From Beijing Boyce X, first emailed on February 10, 2006)

A Horizon survey recently ranked Beijing as the fifteenth best city, and that is only in China. Ouch! If my daily observations are any indication, Beijing’s drop from third last year is due to the worsening traffic and air pollution. Too bad it wasn’t a survey about nightlife or we might’ve ranked in the top 12. / You’d think Yao Ming’s NBA jersey would be the highest-selling in China, but he comes in third, behind teammate Tracy McGrady and Allen Iverson. / China Radio International has started interviewing me weekly about Beijing’s bar scene. I wrote an article about martinis for this week’s China Daily and The Boston Globe quoted me a few days ago. At this rate, I’ll have the media clout of Rupert Murdoch in about, uh, 5,000 years. / Eight readers have expressed interest in the Whisky and Bourbon Society idea. The basic plan: get about a dozen people together at a local watering hole, where we’ll try three or four selections on the menu, and then a couple of bottles provided by members (these would be ones unavailable in China). This is a non-profit proposition: we simply add up the cost of the booze (this does not include airfare to Kentucky to pick up Bourbon) and divide by the number of attendees. If you are interested, let me know. I would like to get this started in the next month. / As always, if you like the newsletter, pass it on to like-minded individuals. They only need a “sign me up” email to beijingboyce@yahoo.com. Cheers, BB.

(From Beijing Boyce X, first emailed on February 10, 2006)

As we approach the Year of the Dog, here are the bars and clubs I predict will emerge from Beijing’s mist (okay, it’s probably smog, but let’s be optimistic).

Lady Bar: If you’re male and walking down Sanlitun North, you’ve heard of this place hundreds of times – “Mister, lady bar, lady bar, massa-gee, looka looka!” Now what seemed to be only myth will become reality as an official Lady Bar opens, complete with velour furniture, painted cement floors, karaoke machines and a hundred touts out front.

I sense people are embracing the challenges of life in Beijing and thus expect some bars with realist names, including Black Lung, The Dirty Glass, Meiyou Fapiao, Spit-stained Sidewalk, Traffic Jam, Bu Zidao and Red Tape.

I also foresee a litter of Year of the Dog-themed bars (except for Doodoo, already taken by Zing). These will include Suzy Wang Wang, Bar-k, Arfa, Pooper Scooper, Gou Gou Bar, Ace of Spayed, Doghouse, Ruff house, and The Golden Fire Hydrant.

Given the popularity of Mix and Vics, I predict the following niche clubs: Fix (drug users), Hicks (farm clothing mandatory), Ticks (a place that bugs people), Wicks (gothic interior), Twix (chocolate fans), Trix (cereal fans), Matrix (Keanu Reeves fans) and Dominatrix (leather fans), as well as Dicks, Chix, Rick’s, Lix, Nix, Pix, Quix, and Bricks and Clicks, among others.

5:18, most likely between 5:17 and 5:19 (the latter two are real bars and nearly side by side on the same street).

Finally, as the Olympics get closer, entrepreneurs are gearing up to target tourists. Expect places such as The Five Rings, Do-Ping, Cheaters, The Pommel Horse, Opening Ceremony and, side by side, The Parallel Bars.

(From Beijing Boyce IX, first emailed on January 26, 2006)

Yvonne C (all-around embassy partier) and Dan S (one of the city’s food whizzes) threw a house party a couple of weeks back. I can’t remember the last time I saw such an eclectic mix of bottles in a home bar: Yeni Raki (from Turkey), Opal Nera, Buttershots Liqueur and Oh Canada Maple Syrup Liqueur, to name about four out of forty, all on the same countertop (I didn’t even think to combine them into a shooter). Add 30 people, some food and you’ve got a party. So what does one of Beijing’s top chefs serve? Nothing less than chicken wings from Indian Kitchen and a bunch of pizzas from Buona - what, you expect him to cook after a long day in the kitchen?

(From Beijing Boyce IX, first emailed on January 26, 2006)

Here’s a story in the spirit of A Christmas Carol: that’s Beijing held its annual charity funk party last Saturday to fund heart surgery for an orphan named Dang Tianyue in Ping An. Partygoers were having a funktastic time, oblivious to a Scrooge-like subplot. The club decided, at the last minute, to make the RMB100 entrance fee voluntary so that regulars and others could get in free. The funk party raised RMB20000 in years past, but this time - despite a large turnout - only made a disappointing RMB9000. I’m not going to bombard readers with pleas for charities, but this case is unique given the time of year and the organizers’ good intentions. BB reader Ro King has donated RMB1600 to the cause and another reader, Agent Gold Monkey, has given RMB700. Anyone else interested in helping should contact the GM of that’s Beijing (who was exposed in the last issue for ordering a Grand Marnier and soda - perhaps this is his punishment from the Gods). His email address is michaelwester@thatsbj.com and he promises a that’s Beijing winter hat (known as a toque in Canada) and a 2006 calendar to anyone donating RMB250 or more. No pressure people, since many out there already have their favorite charities. But if you have been wondering lately, “Gee, how can I help an orphan AND get a toque?” this is your chance.

(From Beijing Boyce VI, first emailed on December 14, 2005)

Beijing’s Filipino community - and it really does define “community” - was out in full force last Sunday for the annual Christmas party in the Philippines Embassy. The only people that are more fun than Filipinos are… are… are… wait, I can’t think of anyone else. Filipino bands from five-star hotels, the Hard Rock Cafe and Blue Fox had the place hopping, and with plenty of tasty food, raffles prizes and games, it was an enjoyable afternoon. There was one game, based on musical chairs, where a group of eight women danced around a group of seven men and, when the music stopped, each tried to grab a man’s belt, with the one left beltless being eliminated from the game. Then it went down to seven women and six men, and so on. Highly entertaining. This is my second time to the party - all thanks to my Filipina pal Cherry - and I highly recommend finding someone to tag along with next year.

(Philippines footnote: My last trip to the islands was in 1999. I landed with an American friend in Manila at midnight and within minutes a Filipina-American we just met invited us to her house in Roxas, Panay Island, to visit with her family. We accepted the offer and spent two days hanging out with about 70 of her nieces and nephews - eating, drinking, eating, visiting markets, eating and, of course, singing. That’s hospitality.)

(From Beijing Boyce VI, first emailed on December 14, 2005)

Last issue, I listed some resolutions for bar managers and employees and, based on my experience of the past two weeks, they don’t read or don’t care about my humble advice. In any case, one must not give up hope, and this time I offer some suggestions for bar goers in the New Year:

I shall not equate the intelligence of a bar owner or employee with his/her proficiency in my language and will thus refrain from voicing such things as “gin AND tonic,” “ginnnnnnnn and tonnnnnnic” or “gin… and… tonic,” nor shall I become incensed for him/her misunderstanding my pathetic attempts at speaking his/her language.

I shall not assume that because I am in a boisterous mood, everyone else should be, and will thus refrain from hugging, giving high fives to, clinking glasses with at near-breakage speeds or inviting to be members of my luge team those patrons / strangers who are obviously uninterested.

I shall retreat to a secluded area when I expect to be on my cell phone for more than three minutes, thereby sparing fellow patrons from stories about last night’s “score,” pleas to an upset spouse, or details of the soap opera about so-and-so’s co-worker’s boyfriend’s best friend’s sister breaking up with “some guy who totally is, like, soooooo lame.”

I shall not take advantage of my position as a patron to fondle the bar’s owner, manager, bartenders, wait staff, cooks, cleaners, security guards or suppliers, or any of their relatives or pets that may happen to be on the premises.

I shall never reach behind the bar to grab objects, such as knives or corkscrews, nor stand there in an attempt to appear as part of the “in” clientele, as I am only being a nuisance to the staff and as interesting as a coat rack to the patrons; should I go behind the bar, I will either wear a disguise or claim to be Da Shan, which would defeat the whole purpose of showing off, so instead I shall sit on my bar stool, drink my beer and relax.

(From Beijing Boyce VIII, first emailed on January 13, 2006)
 

I don’t understand why Big Easy (Chaoyang Park, south gate) doesn’t get more exposure. The layout, bands, bar grub and Bloody Marys are all good. I’ve been there a half-dozen times and always enjoyed myself. / I’m increasingly finding myself at The Pavillion. Last Saturday night, I sank into one of those huge leather chairs and split a bottle of sherry (RMB280) with a friend. I was back the next morning for the buffet brunch - its hardy fare with bottomless coffee and tea (how about adding juice?) for 68 kuai. / My friend K-Dog [Kraft-D] wonders why every bar seems to use those bland bottled olives in their martinis. Is anyone out there using high-end garnishes? If not, why not? / Beijing’s service industry took a serious hit when Li Yan moved back to his hometown in Henan Province. He was a security guard at my office and was friendly, courteous and efficient. Whether helping to direct traffic, unloading parcels or loaning taxi money to office workers who had forgotten their wallets, he epitomized good service and will be missed. (Note: this guy should be training the guards, not working as one.) / Finally, it being a new year and with the newsletter now eight issues and 20,000 words old, I extend thanks to six people who have gone above and beyond in backing my little e-newsletter project, whether it be in terms of testing the city’s establishments (Sherry Tan, Mike Wester), giving background on the food and drink scene (Frank Siegel, Don St. Pierre) or providing moral support (Ro King, Kevin Dempsey). I really do appreciate their help and that of everyone else who has written to me. Cheers, BB.

(From Beijing Boyce VIII, first emailed on January 13, 2006)

Resolutions for Beijing bar managers and employees (just trying to be helpful):

I shall not ask customers to pay for my mistakes, such as the difference between the RMB60 I have programmed into the cash register for a pint of Guinness and the RMB50 I’ve errantly printed on the menu; I shall accept the one-time loss of revenue rather than the permanent loss of the customer.

I shall not remove, nor lay hand upon, any glass containing more than a half-mouthful of liquid unless the patron whose glass it is has exited the premises or indicated it be taken away; nor will I hover above said patron waiting for him/her to finish that final mouthful; if I do so because of a shortage of glasses, I will take measures to have more purchased.

I will not pick my nose or ears, scratch my armpits or nether regions, or engage in any other unseemly conduct before handling food; nor will I regurgitate phlegm and mull it in my mouth in front of customers.

I will not practice my Chinese / English / other language with customers who do not wish to do so (and will learn to recognize when they are doing so out of politeness), bore them with lengthy stories about a particular alcohol’s history, or make asides on what are obviously their private conversations.

[Specifically for managers]

I will not chastise, denigrate or mock my employees in front of patrons as it makes me look unprofessional and my customers feel uncomfortable; I will defend those same employees from unreasonable and obnoxious patrons.

In coming issues: New Year resolutions for drinkers; The Pomegranate; ranking Beijing’s free English-language magazines; CD Jazz Cafe; the promise of Summergate Wines; the 400-kuai move; Dongbei dumplings; and more. Happy New Year and cheers everyone! Eat, drink and be merry. Beijing Boyce.

(From Beijing Boyce VII, first emailed on December 29, 2005)

I went to Mutianyu Great Wall with my friends Kraft-D and Alpha Veda during the October holiday. We took the ski lift up and the slide down, and hiked on the wall in between. Those un-refurbished, tree-filled sections in the distance stir the imagination. Strangely enough, the trip’s highlight had nothing to do with the scenery and everything to do with the hour we spent talking marketing strategy with the four Chinese who tote cans, bottles, biscuits and ice to the wall’s farthest section to sell each day. The fearless foursome gave us insights into their sales strategies, product flow and logistics network. We, in turn, suggested how to boost turnover and profitability. For example, rather than yell out to tourists, we recommended erecting a price board, as some visitors are new to China and/or shy about negotiating and need some reference point with which to start. We also suggested getting some plastic wine glasses and drinking boxes of Great Wall wine and selling it, at a substantial markup, to honeymooners (”Look, baby duck, here’s the photo of us drinking Great Wall on the Great Wall!“) And ice coffee – you need cold, caffeinated drinks in the summer. Veda kindly wrote everything in English and Chinese and got their contact info so we can follow up. I’ll keep you posted.

(From Beijing Boyce III, first emailed on November 3, 2005)

Beijing has started an etiquette program for taxi drivers and not a moment too soon. I’ve never been ripped off by a driver here, but have received a fair share of bad attitude. Most drivers are decent and it’s too bad they’re pulled down by a significant minority that desperately need some “thought reform” ~ By the way, the new and spacious taxis introduced during the past year are a godsend. Standing on the eleventh floor of my building and watching those two-toned vehicles – each painted in a primary color with a single gold stripe – zip by is like watching tropical fish in a tank. ~ To those who complain about getting horrible hangovers from five-dollar, all-you-can-drink bars, get real. What else do you expect from drinking the lowest-grade alcohol around? ~ New: The Bookworm, version 2.0, is open, and with its 14,000+ books for loan, spacious lounge areas, tasty sandwiches, and wireless, it’s even better than before. ~ More on The Bookworm in the next issue as well as write-ups on the John Bull Pub tequila tasting, Beer Mania, Beijing holiday adventures, and Jim McGregor’s new book: One Billion Customers. It’s getting major press and McGregor will talk at both AmCham (amcham-china.org.cn) and the Bookworm (beijingbookworm.com) on September 11.

(From Beijing Boyce I, first emailed on October 6, 2005)