Beijing Boyce

Some happenings from the past week or so. As always, click the word “map” beside each venue to get its map, or to get its address sent to your phone for free in either Chinese or English, courtesy of Mobile Native.

Stone Boat (map): A nice crowd on hand Saturday night to watch Panjir play. This is one of the few places in the city center that you can visit and feel you are not, well, in the city center. Good music, good vibe, good times. By the way, based on more than four years of experience, here is a guide to drinks at The Stone Boat: wine = generous pour, beer = average pour, mixed drinks = miserly pour.

Klubb Rouge (map): There is talk of this place, the inactive part of a trio that includes Danger Doyle’s and Drei Kronen 1308, going through a makeover and reopening with a new mission, though a launch would be months down the road. More to come. And once again, kudos to Klubb Rouge for the most surreal PR conference I have attended.

Union (map): If there were an award for the gap between food value and service quality, this place would rank among my favorites. From Toaster-gate and Coffee-gate to the inability of servers to distinguish “rye” from “white” toast to being slow in delivering that initial coffee and then providing refills when only a sip has been taken, this place has had more than its share of moments. To give three example from this past Sunday:

1) The wireless was down for the fourth straight time though a staff member eventually got it working.

2) A friend and I asked for two orders of eggs Benedict and received one order of toast that we were told to share. Shades of Toaster-gate… So if I order an eggs Benedict, I get four pieces of toast, but if we order two eggs Benedict, and thus pay twice as much, we get the same mount of toast?  “If you want more toast, just ask,” I was told. Seriously, if it is a matter of cost, reduce the side of butter, since there is enough there to butter ten slices of bread.

3) Approximate exchange between me and the waitress:

Something to drink?

Coffee.

What kind of coffee?

Just a coffee.

You mean cappucci…

Just a coffee. A regular coffee. Just a regular black coffee.

[Still looks confused]

Could I have the menu, please?

[Hands me a food menu]

Could I have the drinks menu?

[I point to the word "coffee" on the menu]

That one.

Coffee.

Yes, a coffee.

How many?

Seven. No, I am joking. One. One coffee.

I realize these are not huge issues, the staff is very nice, and apparently it was the waitress’s first day. But on the other hand, Union is rather pricey. And if spots such as Le Petit Gourmand can provide decent service, then surely Union can pick up its game. Speaking of which…

Le Petit Gourmand (map): When I couldn’t get wireless at Union on Saturday, I headed here with DJ Chunky. I have written it before, I will write it again – that RMB35 chicken sandwich with salad and fries is a superb deal. But remember: bring an iPod because this spot repeats the same songs over and over and over again, over and over and over again, over and over and over again (ad infinitum).

Cheers (map): This spot, best known its live Xinjiang music on the weekends, is open again, though c0-0wner Leo – and his oil paintings – no longer appear to be in the picture.

Danger Doyle’s (map): Traffic is picking up at this place and it seems to have become a favorite with some of the city’s models on Friday’s ladies night.

The Den (map): For late-night sports viewing, can anyone beat this place? It seems perpetually full whenever there is an event on – whether it be rugby, cricket or the Wimbledon final – and that is most of the time.

Stadium Dog / Fubar: Look for a soft opening of the hot dog joint within the next week or so, with the bar to soon follow.

Kiosk (map): The two-floor second branch of this Nali Studio favorite is open. Look for the bright pink building across from Workers Stadium North and a block east of older Purple Haze. And expect the same high-value burgers.

Solana (map): With the winter blues gone, most seats near that strip along the waterfront – faced by Sex and Da City, HLG, et al – were full Friday night. But expect to drop some coin – we stopped at Lantung where the Corona is RMB45 and a so-s0 Mojito is RMB55.

Cosmo (map): Finding this place open seems to be a hit or miss proposition, as one reader reports dropping by five times and finding it closed on every occasion. Hopefully the kinks are soon worked out.

Pepe’s Pizza (map): Look for this spot to re-open this week with a new design and menu as well as a kid’s party area upstairs where the little ones can make their own pies.

The sports bar rivalry in the Sanlitun-Workers Stadium corridor is bound to intensify now that Glenn Phelan (formerly Pavillion, Browns, Frank’s Place, and Paddy O’Shea’s; currently The Stumble Inn) has taken over as GM of Stadium in the China View complex.

Phelan plans to re-launch the place as Irish bar Danger Doyle’s on April 10. Expect free house drinks and German home brew (from Drei Kronen 1308 next door) from 8 PM to 10 PM, with blues outfit Black Cat Bone providing the music. Stadium is under the same ownership umbrella as Klubb Rouge and Drei Kronen 1308, but has drawn few customers despite having an excellent two-floor layout and design, a deck that can fit hundreds of people, a state of the art draft beer system, and pool tables, dart boards, and table-top shuffleboard.

Phelan says that patrons can watch their favorite sports, with commentary, upstairs, while those downstairs will get live music – an Irish musician is being flown in to play four nights a week from late April.

If Phelan can place Stadium on the sports bar map, it will mean an increasingly crowded field in this area of town, which includes The Pavillion, The Den, Hooters, The Rickshaw, Luga’s Villa, Blue Frog, and Paddy O’Shea’s. He plans to have more than 80 beers, including five on tap, and high-end whiskeys. The food will range from pizzas courtesy of a wood-fired oven to favorites such as bangers and mash. Beer prices will range from RMB20 for a pint of Tsingtao to RMB50 for Guinness, while house mixed drinks will be RMB25.

Some readers assume this blog wields influence in the Beijing bar scene.

True, a glowing review might inspire up to a handful of people to visit a given bar; the occasional op-ed piece can affect monumental change (case in point: my wet naps campaign at The Rickshaw*); and a few stakeholders – usually uptight pub owners or uppity magazine editors – have unleashed verbal tirades at me. But these are exceptions and more could be done if only the people in power simply did what I say (for example, we could have had those wet naps thousands of chicken wings earlier).

In this spirit, I introduce a feature known as If Beijing Bar Owners Gave a Crap What I Thought, by the terser version GAC (Give a Crap) Report, and by the handy acronym IBBOGACWIT.

It will look at what could be in the bar (and restaurant, club, and hotel) scene if I could snap my fingers and make things happen. From small details about a particular place, such as strengthening an anemic Gin Tonic or stopping employees who cut their nails on the bar top and sweep the clippings on the floor, to macro stuff, such as ending the “soft opening” insanity or vaporizing press releases with sentences that end in multiple exclamation marks.

I do so knowing the odds of affecting change are close to zero, but if even one suggestion in a hundred is considered, it’s something. And as the old Chinese saying goes, “Even when you talk to a post, at least you exercise your jaw (and make a new friend).”

Here’s the first GAC Report…

1. The Bookworm would fix its constantly rattling, regularly slamming, and always nerve-jarring front door. Oh, wait. It did. Three weeks ago. With a nice shiny automatic sliding number. People, what a start!

2. Luga’s Villa would become Lugaville. It reads and sounds better, in a Jimmy Buffet sort of way.

3. Klubb Rouge would become the new Maggie’s. Six reasons why:

• It is downtown, in the China View complex, yet fairly isolated from residential areas.
• The front entrance on Workers Stadium East is complimented by the more secluded back alley entrance near City Hotel, with plenty of taxi access.
• The place offers the stretch limo of long bars and this means space both for those negotiating “joint ventures” and those simply there to have fun.
• The excellent sound system and dance floor would let the much-loved Maggie’s DJ cut loose.
• The Den is nearby and could provide the hot dogs and other tasty eats (and a flashback to when Maggie’s operated just up the street where Jasmine and Buffalo now sit).
• The place isn’t working as a night club, as evident by the lack of patrons and a shift from expensive cocktails to an all-you-can-drink format.

Yes, Klubb Rouge would need cosmetic changes (the images of scantily clad women on the club’s giant pillars wouldn’t really fit) and there are issues of guanxi, but all I’m saying is that if Maggie’s does end up reopening in a new spot, then why not here?

4. All Star would cut its losses as a sports bar and invest in becoming a stocks bar. The 65 screens would be tuned to business programs and investment advice shows, and follow the world’s markets as they open ever westward, 24/7. Seriously, the only people willing to stare at a screen longer than sports nuts are stock market fanatics (exception: cricket followers), so I could see patrons bringing overnight bags and knocking back plenty of beverages, both in terms of quality and quantity.

Stocks down in London? Order a bucket of budget Tsingtao. Make a bundle in New York? Order Krug from Bling upstairs. Need a break from Tokyo? Go watch the bored pole dancer at nearby Sex and Da City. Manage to stay awake for 72 hours straight? Get a personalized All-Star coffee / Red Bull mug.

All Star’s isolation in Solana is also a benefit, since the risk of not finding a taxi for up to an hour will be enough to encourage people to bunker even longer. And if the owners want to retain a sports angle, shift toward betting, with coverage of Vegas odds, fantasy league shows, and the like.

5. Any five-star hotel chain with native English-speakers at the position of vice general manager or above that consistently puts out invitations, press releases, and promotional campaigns laden with typos, poor grammar, and Chinglish would lose a star. Another star would be lost for chronic use of multiple exclamations marks to conclude sentences in a pathetic attempt to make a minor benefit seem monumental (Five percent off!!!) or smiley faces in official correspondence.

6. Drei Kronen 1308 – which has few customers, good but pricey home brew (RMB58 per pint), and plenty of solid cold-weather food like sausage, schnitzel, sauerkraut, pretzels, bread, and mashed potatoes – would create a Wunderbar Winter Wonderland Sunday Brunch that includes a full buffet and all-you-can-drink beer for a reasonable price (RMB188?).

7. Flair bartenders would be exiled to Shanghai or some other hellhole.

(Just kidding, Shanghai expatriates, just kidding. Seriously, calm down, I didn’t mean it. Really, I… hey, look what I have! A shiny penny! Isn’t that pretty? Yes, I thought you would like it. It’s so… shiny… and… pretty. [Pause] Now, while I have you my under spell, one other thing: When you meet someone new, wait at least a dozen seconds before you ask his or her job and, if the job cited doesn’t interest you, wait at least another dozen seconds before you drift away in utter boredom. Trust me, we like you, but doing this one little thing will make us like you even more. Just saying…)

8. “Soft opening” would mean a bar, club, or restaurant is still getting its service, food, and drinks up to par and thus offers reduced prices or extra portions to compensate. “Hard opening” would mean the establishment is prepared to provide full value. Even better, there would just be an “opening”, with no adjective to indicate its firmness.

More items coming soon!

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* OK, technically my mom got the credit for the wet naps.

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Note: If you like this blog, please vote for it in the China Blog awards. Just go here and click the “plus” sign. Also much obliged if you vote for sibling site Grape Wall of China here.

It might be game finito for Italian joint Frantoi Celliti after only a few months on the scene. An email by the owner to customers cited problems ranging from personal threats to inconsistent power and water supplies, and said matters are being taken up in court. Added to this, the place faced the combined challenges of scale (a seating capacity of about 150), location (a hard-to-find warehouse area on Sanlitun South), and marketing (promo emails sent with the subject lines in Italian only).

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Klubb Rouge has figured out what the rest of us have known for six months: the drinks cost too much. Though I’m not sure the right move is to go from RMB70-80 signature cocktails to all-you-can-drink for RMB158 (9 PM-2 AM, Sunday to Thursday) or RMB198 (9 PM-3AM, Friday and Saturday).

By the way, does anyone find the woman featured in the Klubb Rouge poster sexy? Frankly, that undernourished opium addict / vampire look is like so over for me. Plus, clothing that provides the coverage of dental floss doesn’t do it when the temperature dips below zero. At least add a scarf. And a toque.

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Friday ladies night is drawing large crowds at TUN though the last one saw some non-lady like behavior as a cat fight broke out near the bar. With gratis booze for the fairer sex from PM to midnight, methinks the attitude has steadily and weekly gone from excitement to entitlement. Still, if I were under 30 and single, it’s hard to imagine a better Friday night stop these days…

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File this one under I Did Not Know That: 1/5 bar, part of the 1949: The Hidden City complex, is closed on Sundays, though the other venues, including Sugar, Noodle Bar, 1/5 Taverna, and Duck de Chine are open.

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Last but not least, St. Regis Hotel held its official reopening party last Friday night with a full-on dinner in the ballroom. The best course? The cocktail reception featuring some of the St. Regis’ Bloody Mary range. Each hotel has a signature drink: For Beijing, it is the “Great Wall”, a blend of Tsingtao, Bloody Mary mix, and lime, while for Shanghai, it is vodka, Bloody Mary mix, soy sauce and Szechuan ground pepper (with a foam of vodka, white rice liquor, sugar syrup, and pear and cucumber chunks). Frankly, this is one world tour I would like to take…

Rome: Vodka, Bloody Mary mix, hot pepper powder, basil leaves, oregano, and extra virgin olive oil…

Washington: Gin, Bloody Mary mix, horseradish, clam juice, lemon juice, and seasoning, with a shrimp garnish…

Singapore… Actually, I’ll stop now: It’s not healthy to have such thoughts on a Monday.

By the way, accredited journalist get a 50-percent discount on drinks at the St. Regis’ Press Club Bar.

Quiz time!

I was invited to a Grand Marnier event, heard it would include an interactive cocktail making session, and brought my drinks recipe book so I could ask the bartender to mix an Alfonso Special, which – ta dah! – includes the featured liqueur.

Question: How did said bartender respond when – after a half-dozen attendees finished making cocktails and he asked if anyone else wanted something – I showed him said recipe.

a) He smiled and said, “Wow, an Alfonso Special. That is a classic drink with a wealth of history, just like Grand Marnier, as I spent half an hour explaining earlier to everyone.”

b) He winked and said, “Of course, any cocktail that includes Grand Marnier is a cocktail we care about. Let’s try it.”

c) He grinned and said, “Of course, I can make it, but how about I teach you to do it, so you can enjoy them at home and buy and drink even more Grand Marnier.”

d) He frowned at the book, shook his head no, and said “that is a very old thing,” then turned away.*

No suspense: the answer is (d). And it has inspired me to also turn away from old things, like Grand Marnier (company founded in – gasp! – 1827) and drink nothing but two-year-old Scotch and four-week-old Beijing draft. (Kidding)

Anyway, the event, held in Klubb Rouge, celebrated the launch of this year’s “LEB” – “Limited Edition Bottle.” In this case, the bottle wears what looks like a red fur coat or, as the literature says, a “cosy.” From the press materials:

Cosy… as comfortable as a red fur stole with its soft, felt-like cloak that envelops the bottle without completely concealing the amber coloured liqueur within. Cosy… like the plush thickness of its soft covering. Without the solemnity of its ribbon, the bottle’s unmistakably unique shape is shown off, turning it into a veritable object of desire… Beneath the velvety feel of the fabric lies the smooth coolness of the glass bottle, a foretaste of the pleasures to come.

We tried the “Cosy“, a drink that involves coating the rim of a cocktail glass with pink sugar and filling it with Grand Marnier, Champagne, and orange juice. Frankly, I much preferred the cocktail we sipped during the presentation: Grand Marnier, tonic water, lime, and lots of ice. Speaking of which, three things to know about this liqueur:

- It is made by blending Cognac and the peels of Caribbean oranges that are picked when green and dried in the sun.

- It checks in at a whopping 40 percent alcohol.

- Its bottle is reminiscent of a Cognac copper pot (with a fur coat in this case)

Oh, and it tastes perfectly fine in an Alfonso Special. Trust me on this one.

This cocktail is apparently safe for drinking.

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* To be fair, this might have just have been an excuse, since he had much cuter people than me to deal with at the event. Then again, maybe he didn’t know how to make the drink. Who knows.

In response to this post about Element Fresh on Monday, regular commenter The Village Grouch asked, “How about doing a wrap-up of recent Shanghai entrants to the Beijing market and how they’re faring?”

Done and done: In alphabetical order, here are 3.5 places that hail from our sibling city to the south and opened in Beijing over the past six months. And yes, I realize some might be getting their houses in order*, so consider this post as based on first impressions (or in these cases, second, third, or even tenth impressions).

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Blue Frog (Sanlitun Village)

If they knocked one-third off the prices, I might become a regular. But given RMB75 for not exactly the biggest hamburger, RMB35 for a small Carlsberg draft, and a staff that is a bit too keen, this will be an occasional retreat, especially in the winter when getting to the rooftop at The Village will be no treat. Good for casual business meetings or for watching televised sports in more upscale surroundings.

Why I would go: To watch a special sports event or because I am looking for a kid-friendly spot, I have an expense account, or they knocked one-third off the prices (speaking of which, cocktails are RMB25 on Tuesday nights).

Why I wouldn’t: The Den, The Rickshaw and Paddy O’Shea’s are nearby and offer good screens and, especially in the case of the first two, lower prices.

Grade: B

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Element Fresh (Sanlitun Village)

As noted earlier, I’ve been there five times, been highly annoyed four times, and left without ordering the last time. Nice layout, decent coffee, and friendly staff, but something went awry with the training because the service is poor, while the food is getting mixed reviews.

Why I would go: To chill on the deck, have a coffee, and surf the Internet.

Why I wouldn’t: Given the service, nearby places such as Le Petit Gourmand and Panino Teco offer better value.

Grade: C

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Enoteca (The Place)

I’ve walked by it dozens of times – at lunch, in the afternoon, and at night – and seen it not even half full. The view of the big screen at The Place is excellent. The wine choice is based on what is imported by the owners, which limits consumer choice, though some bottles do go for less than RMB100. Several readers have complained of “attitude” here. Perhaps the “official” opening tonight at 6 PM will mark a new phase.

Why I would go: To drink wine while watching a screen the size of a handful of football fields.

Why I wouldn’t: The nightmare of getting a taxi at The Place at night and the wealth of other wine options in this city.

Grade: C

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Klubb Rouge

While not officially linked to Bar Rouge in Shanghai, a handful of top employees from that hot spot came north to open this pricey China View venue (they have since left). The staff ranks among the friendliest in town, the place is huge, and the rooftop deck offers excellent views. Unfortunately, this place has struggled to establish an identity and draw crowds, though new management is in place so perhaps some changes are on the way.

Why I would go: To hang out on the rooftop deck or to park at the bar and daydream while looking at those weird red glass blobs hanging from the ceiling.

Why I wouldn’t: The place often has a very light crowd, the drinks are expensive, and I always end up at The Den afterward eating my weight in deep-fried goods.

Grade: C

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* Though still charging full prices.

Birthday bashes, going-away parties, returning friends, and visits to places both new and old made last weekend a busy one. Here are some quick notes. But first, fond farewells to two people who have helped this blog – Ali Robinton and Mark Rybchuk.

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Rumi
Not much to say about this Middle Eastern restaurant across from Pacific Century other than that given the laid-back vibe, clean and comfortable surroundings (especially the deck), and platters of meat, it’s no surprise it’s a hot spot for parties.

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Klubb Rouge
Not counting the packed-to-the-rafters launch party, my half-dozen visits to this Workers Stadium East club have found it pretty much empty. A pleasant surprise to see a decent crowd amassed around that “stretch limousine of bars” as well as a few dozen people busting moves on the dance floor, though it might be an idea to turn down the smoke machines.

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Q Bar
During the Olympics, I made a single short visit to this regular haunt, both because the fun and games were farther north and because I was a tad annoyed that the place increased drink prices. A weekend visit reaffirmed why I like Q: the Raspberry Martini, Side Car, and Tom Collins all were a cut (or two) above the vast majority of drink joints in Beijing.

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Northern Tribute
This restaurant is in a new serviced apartment complex near Sichuan hotspot Chuan Ban, but don’t expect a hot and noisy time. The focus is northern Californian cuisine and the 70-seat restaurant faces a serene lawn dotted with sculptures, trees, and… a swing. Lounge areas along the sides can accommodate up to 48 imbibers. I’ll have more on this place soon.

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Tun
About a hundred people downed reasonably priced drinks, which is far less than capacity but far more than usual. This place is my sleeper in the bar scene. The spacious but warm surroundings, ample nooks and crannies, and cheap drinks make me think business will pick up as temperatures go down, especially if Tun can feature some live music and become a kind of Yugong Yishan of Sanlitun.

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Luga’s Villa
In the former space of ex-Vietnamese restaurant Marguerite, this place evokes The Rickshaw, which is no surprise to those who know proprietor Luga used to work there. Expect a mix of the former restaurant’s decor and orange booths, as well as RMB15 Coronas, RMB35 burgers, friendly service, and a relaxed vibe.

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Mesh
Mesh provides comfortable seating, a stylish decor, a polite staff, and big pours (this time Gin Tonic). But lighting issues remain. On one hand, it’s annoying to have a waiter hold a flashlight over the menu. On the other, the headlights of cars pulling up to the hotel regularly pierce through the bar and temporarily blind patrons facing that way. Both problems should be easy enough to fix and make Mesh a player in the lounge scene.

Although closed since March, Maggie’s still ranked as the second most popular search on this blog over the past month. (And I’m long overdue in mentioning this Newsweek post that provides an interesting look at what led to the bar closing and this post on China Expat that states it will re-open in September.)

Taking top spot is Klubb Rouge and, narrowly edged out by Maggie’s, is Duck de Chine. Why people come here to get information about a relatively new duck restaurant is beyond me.

Rounding out the top ten – Legation Quarter, Maison Boulud, Suzie Wong, Saddle, Block 8, 1949: The Hidden City, and Face.

Eleven PM, just ten days after an opening bash that saw people flank to shank, and Klubb Rouge is… empty? Well, not totally – about 20 patrons are scattered on the main floor in pockets of resistance, but that’s a pretty light turnout this early into the game.

Optimists might argue that potential patrons are having visa problems or off to that beach party by The Great Wall or haven’t heard of the place or something. But methinks we are witnessing the club version of the Kerry Center Corollary : a hotel bar opens, it offers drinks, décor and/or prices to rival Centro , people go once or maybe twice, and then they return to Centro because at least the place is reliably busy .

Given Klubb Rouge’s private rooms , lounges, and decks, its long bar headed by a dance floor, and the massive pillars featuring illuminated images of soft-porn versions of 1930s Shanghai advert models, the rival here would seem to be Suzie Wong . Well, except when it comes to drinks – a martini won’t run you RMB80 at Suzie’s.

Klubb Rouge has a big space , a friendly staff , an excellent sound system and, from that rooftop, a good view . Perhaps the official launch of its deck tonight will help the place find its niche and paint the town red.

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Over at the recently opened China Doll in the 3.3 Building, the lounge is nearly empty, but the main bar and dance floor are busy. This club starts with several advantages: 1) it is a brand ; 2) its management includes people (notably Ai Wan ) who are able to draw crowds and/or media attention; 3) it has a lot of investors who, at least early on, will drag along their friends and acquaintances.

No doubt, China Doll has its problems, but it provides something that overcomes them – fun . So, the sound system’s bass might result in an annoying molar-shaking rattle at times, but the music is fun. The layout might have too many steps on which to trip, but the colors, textures, and design are fun. And so on. About the only thing that isn’t fun is security guards, who look a bit menacing.

The vibe here is notably different from Club China Doll , which is darker and more music-focused. Cooler heads prevailing, there should be enough space in Sanlitun for the two dolls to do well.

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At 2 AM, we hit The Den . Ranking among the oldest bars in Beijing, this place is generally a source of decent service and pub grub, notably the four-cheese pizzas , the hamburgers with fried egg on top, and the combo platters.

Earlier, I popped into Aperitivo for a drink. This is the kind of Saturday night spot where you show up, chat with your mates, don’t meddle in strangers’ business, and stumble home a few hours later.

- And I started the night at Rumi , where I had my fill of food (great beef and chicken!) and sampled three red wines from Hungary and an ice wine from Xinjiang . I’ll have more of these soon.

I checked my site stats last night and found that new places represent most of the top-ranked searches made on the blog. In case anyone is interested, here are the top five:

1. Klubb Rouge
2. Block 8
3. Maggie’s
4. Duck de Chine
5. Legation Quarter

Other popular searches include 1949: The Hidden City, Suzie Wong, Maison Boulud, and China Doll.

Let me use the analogy of male and female orgasms to respectively portray the décor of Klubb Rouge and China Doll since these nightspots, which held pre-openings of sorts last night, seem intent on pushing the sex envelope.

Klubb Rouge’s would be short and intense, with a series of hard edges, fleeting glimpses of cavernous spaces, gleaming mirrors, and a color one might describe as “candy apple / Amsterdam red-light district”, and an abrupt ending akin to waking on a cold marble bar top. China Doll’s would be prolonged and morphing, with a psychedelic rush of soft colors, sensuous textures and shiny trinkets though innumerable nooks and crannies, after which you would need some air (and perhaps an aspirin). I could be wrong, but if this evaluation contains a grain of truth, I’d say the ladies have the better end of the deal.

In any case, these places are supposed to be “sexy” and this was made explicit last night so that we bar and club goers, apparently a dense lot, got it:

Expressionless models, wearing G-strings and strategically placed red paint, walking robot-like along 40 meters of bar top and looking like a cross between porcelain dolls, mannequins, and that alien from Mars Attack (Klubb Rouge). Check.

Women dressed as hyperactive schoolgirls who steadily reveal more skin as they do energetic cheers (China Doll). Check.

Huge pillars featuring 1930s-style Shanghai ad models who, in an apparent tribute to global warming, show more flesh than their twentieth-century sisters (Klubb Rouge). Check.

Super-sized full-color photos of scantily dressed women touching each other in a less than platonic manner (China Doll). Check.

OK. Next item on the agenda: Can these places make decent drinks?

I never did get one at Klubb Rouge, as people were wall-to-wall and the bar was cleared for that model catwalk thing, but three friends described the drinks as “OK” and “not bad“, though in two cases we are talking about Gin Tonics. I tried five drinks at China Doll and in terms of average quality they were, well, average. Odds are the drinks will rapidly improve in both places in coming months as the bartenders get into their comfort zones. By the way, I enjoyed parking at the China Doll bar, with its soft underbelly, and taking in the place’s rainbow of colors and treasure trove of eye candy. I’ll have more on this, on comparisons of the new China Doll with the old one (now Club China Doll), and on Klubb Rouge (I couldn’t even get on the deck last night due to the crowds).

The true test of these places will be when the drinks aren’t free and there isn’t a sexy over-the-top show. What matters then be the quality of the music, cocktails, service and vibe, week in and week out.

Both Klubb Rouge and China Doll officially open tonight.

(Photo: PA)