Category Archives: (Give a Crap Report)

Give a Crap Report VIII: From big pours to ‘He shoots, he scores’

Pour size matters…

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As with the previous seven editions of the Give a Crap Report, these are things that would happen in the Beijing bar and restaurant scene if only people listened to me, me, me!

59. Wine promotion outfits like California Wine Institute and Wine Australia would consider teaming up with Modo to use its two card-based enomatic machines, each of which can keep eight bottles of open wine fresh for up to three weeks. Maybe they could rent a machine for a month or two and stock it with more expensive and atypical wines than are usually seen in promotions. Seems like a low-cost low-risk way to promote a country’s wine, make distributors of that wine happy, and give customers access to samples — pours start at 25ml — from better bottles.

60. Given its positioning as a Canadian bar, The Box would replay the 2010 Olympic gold medal hockey game between Canada and the United States on February 28, the one-year anniversary of that epic face off, with a special on Moosehead and more poutine than you can shake a stick at. (Now that I know how it ends, I could watch it without risk of ulcer when the Americans tie the game with 24 seconds left in regular time.)

61. It would be also great if The Box held a euchre tournament.

62. This one comes courtesy of The Wise Bartender, namely, that more bars state on their menus the size of their pours when it comes to spirits, wines, and draft beers. Is that whiskey pour 25ml or 50ml: nice to know before we order.

63. A downtown Korean restaurant would have a regular Korean street food night that includes dukpukki (sticky rice cylinders in red pepper paste with fish cake, onions, and other stuff), kimbap (steamed rice, egg and veggies rolled in seaweed), mandu (dumplings, especially kimchi stuffed ones), hoduk (pancake with brown sugar and cinnamon), and more. Korean street vendors make some of the world’s best late-night eats and we need them downtown.

64: This thing where employees are armed with walkie-talkies… please stop it. Why submit customers to loud static and garbled messages every few minutes in your otherwise quiet cafe or restaurant? Lots of places survive without such noise: so can yours!

65. The Jing Fling at Mao Mao Chong is among the best baijiu cocktails I have tasted and it might be even better if the baijiu were infused with plums rather than mixed with plum-infused vodka. Sounds like a worthy experiment…

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See also:
Give a Crap Report VII
: Give a Crap Report VII: I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus, and more
Give a Crap Report VI
: Modo, Q, Bean’s, Fubar, Bang! Bang!, and more
Give a Crap Report V:
Blue Frog, Erlitun, Le Petit Gourmand, Prima Taste, and more
Give a Crap Report IV:
Tun, Er, Hex, All-Star, Stadium, and more
Give a Crap Report III:
This blog goes ballistic
Give a Crap Report II:
Tun, Q, Maison Boulod, Press Club Bar, and more
Give a Crap Report I:
Bookworm, Klubb Rouge, Maggie’s, All Star, Luga’s, and more

Here’s another one for The Box: hold a euchre tournament. That should be part of the baptism of every overseas Canadian bar.

Give a Crap Report VII: I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus, and more

I doubt he's hiding in someone's throat (sergiosfstop.com)

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First, I posted no Give a Crap Reports for more than a year. Now, I have put up a pair in two weeks. It’s like going from constipation to diarrhea but only half as much fun. As usual, these are things that would happen if bar owners and managers only listened to me, me, and me.

51. Destinations would hold an I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus party. Add some mistletoe and the double innuendo that comes with a “Santa grab bag” special and I don’t see how this could fail.

52. Just so the straight crowd doesn’t feel left out: We need a cap on sloppy make-out sessions at bars. (I am thinking of a couple at The Brick last Friday who were like two famished anteaters that decided tonsils might do as well as insects. Or maybe they were searching for Bobby Fischer. Actually, could we simply refer to that kind of tonsil hockey as Bobby Fishering?) Let’s establish a certain time limit or “gross threshold”. When violated, the couple gets a zap with the taser.

53. Newly opened House would have a series of “In Da” parties just so I can write “In Da House” and feel cool. Also, I think their opening party should have used a “House Broken” theme. Then again, what do I know about electronic music.

54. We need some kind of protest about the Clamato prices in Beijing. It is good this key ingredient for Caesars is finally available but RMB29.5 for a 473 ml bottle at Marketplace? You might as well sell it from an eyedropper at those prices. Canadian embassy types: Stop focusing on maple syrup market share (we already won that battle) and get on top of this.

5. I covered this idea here but might as well make it official: Given the place looks a bit like a ski lodge, Grinders should hold a Hot Tub Time Machine party over the Chinese New Year for those people staying in the city. Add some ski paraphernalia, a faux fireplace, and a few hot tubs, mix in some eighties tunes, and top it off with old standbys like Sex on the Beach, Tequila Sunrises, and wine coolers.

56. I’m a fan of Café Bellissimo in Solana. I like the design, I like the food (I enjoyed the Caesar with its sprinkling of anchovies and the substantial if slightly sloppy cheeseburger), and I like the staff… when management is around. As with many places, things slide as soon as management leaves. On Wednesday night, the three guys on duty forgot half my order (and I was the only customer), didn’t realize the music had stopped, and spent a lot of time giggling, play fighting, or daydreaming, with an occasional belch. These guys seem nice enough but could use a reminder or two about service.

57. That someone do something about the Ferraris, Lamborghinis, et al that race around or do doughnuts at Workers Stadium every night. Forget the damage the drivers are doing to these cars while zipping over speed bumps. The bigger problem is that even though these shenanigans usually happen after 3 AM, there is still foot traffic in that area, meaning it is a disaster waiting to happen.

58: That Siif add support to the handrails for the stairs. They are already steep enough without having a wobbly rail. I don’t want the last thing I see in this lifetime to be that musty cement basement floor coming at me.

See also:
Give a Crap Report VI
: Modo, Q, Bean’s, Fubar, Bang! Bang!, and more
Give a Crap Report V:
Blue Frog, Erlitun, Le Petit Gourmand, Prima Taste, and more
Give a Crap Report IV:
Tun, Er, Hex, All-Star, Stadium, and more
Give a Crap Report III:
This blog goes ballistic
Give a Crap Report II:
Tun, Q, Maison Boulod, Press Club Bar, and more
Give a Crap Report I:
Bookworm, Klubb Rouge, Maggie’s, All Star, Luga’s, and more

Give a Crap Report VI: Modo, Q, Bean’s, Fubar, Bang! Bang!, and more

If you have Frank's, you gotta have Bean's.

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I started this installment of the Give a Crap Report series months ago but kind of got busy.  As usual, it covers what would happen if only bars and restaurants listened to me, me, me. (Maybe these reports need tag lines like The Crappiest Report Yet or Six Degrees of Crap. I’ll work on it.) Here we go…

41. Q Bar would organize a speed-dating event using its Q Boxes. Put a pair of ladies in each of the six boxes and have pairs of gents do a circuit–each stop lasts ten minutes and includes one shooter. The sparks should be flying after an hour or two.

42. Modo would change at least some of the sixteen bottles in its card-based wine machine. C’mon guys, I’ve already tried many of those wines four or five times and even my ex-boss from Shanghai has gone through them twice.

43. This comes courtesy of noted linguist Shannon R: He requests that Fubar regularly clean the button for its secret door given how many people are coming from the toilets and, after deciding it is too troublesome to wash their hands, pressing that button to re-enter the place. (By the way, this is reason 742 to not share free peanuts in bars.)

44. Speaking of Fubar, here are two more: 1) If the place is going to call itself a speakeasy and do special glasses, how about one in the shape of a claw-footed bathtub that holds a liter of gin (or gin tonic) and has a tiny tap to facilitate self-pouring at the table? 2) Since the RMB1 monthly parties are no more, how about some other kind of monthly event, such as a FU-ll Moon Party?

45. Someone would open a place beside Frank’s called Bean’s. (I wrote that before John Harkness from Goose and Duck took over Frank’s Place with his plans to rename the venue Johnny Duck’s.)

46. Someone would take all the trendy features of bar and restaurant names over the past decade, such as the “i” and “my” phenomena, the “@” sign, and the recent fascination with exclamation marks (Refresh! Gung Ho! Bang Bang!) to make one SuperBad name. Like iPizza@Sanlitun! or myIce!Cre@m! or iBangHo! We might need a smiley face, too. A blinking one.

47. Speaking of pizza, someone needs to open a hole-in-the-wall pizza-by-the-slice joint in Sanlitun. How can serving slabs of piping hot pie from 8 PM to 4 AM not result in an oven full of money? The place would probably make a profit just off me.

48. Still on pizza, Bang! Bang! should start some weekly specials that are in keeping with the place’s name. I’m thinking Pfft! Pfft! two-for-one beer night, Pop! Pop! wine deal night, and Ouch! Ouch! piping-hot-pizza-stuck-to-the-roof-of-my-mouth night.

49. Refresh! would café sell its coffee in pill form. This stuff is rocket fuel and if they could concentrate a cup into one capsule, one per day would keep me going.

50. Wait staff should never, ever pass a full glass of water, coffee, soda, beer, or any other liquid over an open laptop unless doing so would save the world from a meteor strike or some other tragedy. Ever….

Got some ideas on how to improve the scene? Leave them in the comments section or send them to me at beijingboyce (at) yahoo.com. If I use your idea, I’ll give you… um… I’ll give you a big virtual hug.

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See also:
Give a Crap Report V:
Blue Frog, Erlitun, Le Petit Gourmand, Prima Taste, and more
Give a Crap Report IV:
Tun, Er, Hex, All-Star, Stadium, and more
Give a Crap Report III:
This blog goes ballistic
Give a Crap Report II:
Tun, Q, Maison Boulod, Press Club Bar, and more
Give a Crap Report I:
Bookworm, Klubb Rouge, Maggie’s, All Star, Luga’s, and more