Beijing Boyce

Stay home on Saturday night after a full day of staff training and before a Sunday in the office, or answer an SMS from Eddie O and go out for “just one drink.” I recklessly chose the latter and was soon riding shotgun on a high-speed Sanlitun pub-crawl. Here are the highlights.

The Tree: With good portions of metro-sexuals (designer leather jackets mandatory), sporty types (”dress” sweatshirts mandatory), twenty-something women (heavy makeup mandatory) and groups celebrating who knows what (mugs of Qingdao mandatory), and with a dash of old-timers thrown in, The Tree is an anomaly in this student-heavy section of Sanlitun. The Tree has a nice Whiskey collection, with more than a half-dozen varieties of Bowmore and Macallan, as well as Talisker, Glenfiddich and others. (Note: It’s impossible to read the Whisky price list glued to the wall behind the bar, so a few copies for the customers would be nice.) Twelve-year-old Macallan is 50 kuai, 15-year-old Balvenie is 70 kuai and, on the cheaper end, shots of Jim Beam and Jack Daniels are 25 kuai. Fun times trying to match up Whiskey – or Belgian beer – with The Tree’s tasty pizzas.

Shooters: This place is fast becoming my favorite quick stop. Eddie O and I ordered two Qingdao at 9:30 PM and received a bill for a jaw-dropping 10 kuai. This caused him to spurt out “that’s almost grocery store prices!” He then grinned, clapped his hands three times, and pumped his arms up and down as if they were pistons. (This latter act was entirely appropriate given that he works in the car industry.) Previous visits to Shooters gave me chaperone-like symptoms, but this night saw patrons of all ages and reminded me of the early days at Browns. The music was eclectic, covering The Bee-Gees, Run DMC, Clint Black (?), ABBA and some mid-90s rock. The staff was friendly and efficient, with a “we’ve seen everything” attitude. The shooters came fast and furious as the place was bustling. Fun times again. (Note: How long before that giant pitchfork mounted on the wall is a prop in a tiff involving a drunk and/or jilted lover? Should it happen, how long after that before this place creates a commemorative shooter in honor of the victim? Just asking…)

Taniwha: We looked in, spotted only two patrons (playing pool), and headed across the hall to Cheers. Last issue I called this place Taniwhy, but now I’m leaning toward Taniwhatswrong or Taniwhawful. It is early days yet for this bar, but one hopes the management makes some changes so that we can soon call the place Taiwhanderful.

Cheers: They have Wild Turkey. They have a good happy hour. They have live Xinjiang music. One problem: when there aren’t 100 bodies in the place to absorb the sound of the drums, it is LOUD. Twenty minutes of brain-piercing snare was driving me near migraine territory, so we fled and headed to…The Dark Side…otherwise known as…

Mystique: I made my umpteenth prayer that bartenders at these kinds of places spend less time tossing bottles behind their backs, to each other, and off disco balls and into cocktail shakers, and more properly mixing the liquids within into a palatable drink. The martinis (40 kuai each) were watery, and the olives had pits, as Eddie O and I (painfully) discovered. Fortunately, the olive pick came with a sparkly bit of ribbon that distracted me from my abused molars. Other “highlights” of the visit included the subtitled karaoke-type videos playing on TVs near the bar and the high percentage of women dancing to their reflections in a shiny wall fronting the dance floor (really, who could resist an extremely long version of an Eminem song mixed to background noise from Space Invaders).

By the way, no one on staff could understand “Where’s the toilet?” in English, forcing me to act out my needs, after which the staff bent over backwards to direct me to the loo. I can see the manager leading that training session:

“Listen up, staff, when directing people to the bathroom, make them seem as though they are kings or queens heading to the throne, and what awaits them is a royal flush. As they approach, make a small circular motion with your arm as though you are winding it up, and then smoothly thrust it forth, hand extended, palm up, toward the toilet, leaning every so slightly forward as you smile widely to underscore your eagerness to serve. Okay, let’s practice that a few times and then get back to tossing bottles behind our backs…”

Shooters: We needed some mouthwash after those “martinis” and headed back to Shooters for a Qingdao. The place was still bustling… the pitchfork was still on the wall… The Knack was playing… “Come a little closer, huh, a-will ya, huh? Close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona”…

Side by Side: As Eddie O and I headed down the main strip of Sanlitun South, maneuvering around “lady bar” touts, beggars and fake CD sellers, a place called Side by Side caught my eye. Actually, the band inside caught my ear because it was playing Joan Jett’s “I Hate Myself for Loving You.” *This* looked promising. As they say, looks are deceiving and we lasted one over-priced Qingdao (35 kuai!).

Browns: This place was comfortably packed and the Wild Turkey generously poured. We regained our breath, I made some notes and, given that I had a date with the office the next day and that Eddie O teaches free English classes on Sundays to his neighborhood peeps, we did a final gumbai and headed home.

Eddie O and I showed up at this Tongli Studio bar last Saturday night to discover it was holding… a launch party! It was either a hide-and-seek event or an experiment in minimalist performance art, or perhaps they had already shot the patrons into outer space, because people were sparse. I hate to be mean, but Taniwha looks unfinished, there is hardly any seating, the dance floor beside the pool table ensures conflict between house music and eight ball lovers, and my drink was so-so. True, I’ve only visited once, but I have a feeling the review would be worse after a second visit, so I’ll wait and see if the place makes any changes. Given the traffic heading upstairs to Bar Blu, this location has potential for success, but the owners need to rethink its identity or, even better, get one. 

Browns put its money where its mouth is by holding an all-night two-for-one party two weeks ago. The special didn’t suddenly end halfway through the evening when the owner panicked about losing money. It wasn’t limited to those drinks that are dirt cheap to make. And the drinks themselves were not watered down. It all raised the question: Was this really happening in Beijing? I mean, did I really witness from opening to closing - which came sometime after I left at 4 AM - Guinness and Kilkenny for a mere 17.5 kuai per pint? Browns move shocked some bar owners, particularly since Guinness costs them around 30 kuai a pint, but to me it made perfect sense. The bar lost money on the draft, made money on the mixed drinks, and on the night ended up just below break-even, a loss that was a fraction of the cost of a magazine ad and that was necessary to show off the place to hundreds of people. It’s called marketing.

I’ve now been to Browns about ten times, either for drinks or food, and it has the potential of becoming the year’s best bar. (Its impact is already evident from the scores of wine, food, hotel, and bar industry people checking it out). First, the investors (11 in total) have put money not only into hardware, but also into software. The hardware was fairly easy since the bar is a knockoff of Carnegie’s in Taipei, with everything copied from the list of 366 shooters to the general layout, which includes a standing area, tiered seating, and a long bar that can hold both drinks and dancers. In terms of software, Browns has hired employees from Beijing, Hong Kong, The Philippines and Ireland, and is putting money into marketing.

Second, Browns is unpretentious. The clientele includes expatriates and locals, equal numbers of men and women, and everyone from twenty-something students to sixty-something CEOs. Blue jeans and blue pinstripe suits are equally welcome. Third, the location is good, near the Bookworm, Midnight, Banana Leaf and numerous other places. These establishments are bringing an increasing number of customers to the area and complementing one other. Fourth, it is something new. Love it or hate it, the people I talked to saw it as clearly different from other bars in town (everyone except Agent Red Wolf, who called it “a big Suzie Wong’s”).

Unsurprisingly, given it is a new bar, all is not perfect. Browns does not take credit cards, the menu is full of mistakes (“Long Sex Island Beach”) and some employees have incredible difficulty understanding drink orders (my friend Pony suggests numbering the shooter specials: “number three” is easier for non-English speaking staff to comprehend than “Fisherman’s Wharf” or “Hell on Earth”). Extremely annoying wall monitors are everywhere. And Eddie O, at Browns last Saturday night, says, “You should never ask, “How would you like your ribs done?” That’s just not a question you ask about ribs.”

Worst of all is the inconsistent music. During the two-for-one party, the DJ played plenty of recognizable if sometimes cheesy songs, including hits by eighties artists ranging from Billy Idol to Soft Cell to Michael Jackson. One week later? After hours of soul-draining dance tunes, the DJ suddenly yelled, “My name is Matt and I am your maestro!” (Yawn.) Really, do we need someone to shout things like “Let’s get the party started and, uh, uh, uh… it’s two for one!” It gives the place all the class of a small-town high school dance. (I also get the feeling that Browns is trying a bit too hard to get the dance-on-the-bar-top thing going.) Carnegie’s in Taipei thrives because it is consistent, including with its music. It’s a good model to follow and if Browns is as clever at running the bar as it was in opening it, this place should succeed.

(By the way, if someone says “this is the hottest bar in town” at the very moment you are listening to Michael Jackson’s “Beat It,” having a rather regular gin and tonic and watching two nerdy expatriates try to pick up a pair of local cuties, does that say more about Browns or about the local bar scene?)

(From Beijing Boyce XI, first emailed on February 23, 2006)