Beijing Boyce

Some readers assume this blog wields influence in the Beijing bar scene.

True, a glowing review might inspire up to a handful of people to visit a given bar; the occasional op-ed piece can affect monumental change (case in point: my wet naps campaign at The Rickshaw*); and a few stakeholders - usually uptight pub owners or uppity magazine editors - have unleashed verbal tirades at me. But these are exceptions and more could be done if only the people in power simply did what I say (for example, we could have had those wet naps thousands of chicken wings earlier).

In this spirit, I introduce a feature known as If Beijing Bar Owners Gave a Crap What I Thought, by the terser version GAC (Give a Crap) Report, and by the handy acronym IBBOGACWIT.

It will look at what could be in the bar (and restaurant, club, and hotel) scene if I could snap my fingers and make things happen. From small details about a particular place, such as strengthening an anemic Gin Tonic or stopping employees who cut their nails on the bar top and sweep the clippings on the floor, to macro stuff, such as ending the “soft opening” insanity or vaporizing press releases with sentences that end in multiple exclamation marks.

I do so knowing the odds of affecting change are close to zero, but if even one suggestion in a hundred is considered, it’s something. And as the old Chinese saying goes, “Even when you talk to a post, at least you exercise your jaw (and make a new friend).”

Here’s the first GAC Report…

1. The Bookworm would fix its constantly rattling, regularly slamming, and always nerve-jarring front door. Oh, wait. It did. Three weeks ago. With a nice shiny automatic sliding number. People, what a start!

2. Luga’s Villa would become Lugaville. It reads and sounds better, in a Jimmy Buffet sort of way.

3. Klubb Rouge would become the new Maggie’s. Six reasons why:

• It is downtown, in the China View complex, yet fairly isolated from residential areas.
• The front entrance on Workers Stadium East is complimented by the more secluded back alley entrance near City Hotel, with plenty of taxi access.
• The place offers the stretch limo of long bars and this means space both for those negotiating “joint ventures” and those simply there to have fun.
• The excellent sound system and dance floor would let the much-loved Maggie’s DJ cut loose.
• The Den is nearby and could provide the hot dogs and other tasty eats (and a flashback to when Maggie’s operated just up the street where Jasmine and Buffalo now sit).
• The place isn’t working as a night club, as evident by the lack of patrons and a shift from expensive cocktails to an all-you-can-drink format.

Yes, Klubb Rouge would need cosmetic changes (the images of scantily clad women on the club’s giant pillars wouldn’t really fit) and there are issues of guanxi, but all I’m saying is that if Maggie’s does end up reopening in a new spot, then why not here?

4. All Star would cut its losses as a sports bar and invest in becoming a stocks bar. The 65 screens would be tuned to business programs and investment advice shows, and follow the world’s markets as they open ever westward, 24/7. Seriously, the only people willing to stare at a screen longer than sports nuts are stock market fanatics (exception: cricket followers), so I could see patrons bringing overnight bags and knocking back plenty of beverages, both in terms of quality and quantity.

Stocks down in London? Order a bucket of budget Tsingtao. Make a bundle in New York? Order Krug from Bling upstairs. Need a break from Tokyo? Go watch the bored pole dancer at nearby Sex and Da City. Manage to stay awake for 72 hours straight? Get a personalized All-Star coffee / Red Bull mug.

All Star’s isolation in Solana is also a benefit, since the risk of not finding a taxi for up to an hour will be enough to encourage people to bunker even longer. And if the owners want to retain a sports angle, shift toward betting, with coverage of Vegas odds, fantasy league shows, and the like.

5. Any five-star hotel chain with native English-speakers at the position of vice general manager or above that consistently puts out invitations, press releases, and promotional campaigns laden with typos, poor grammar, and Chinglish would lose a star. Another star would be lost for chronic use of multiple exclamations marks to conclude sentences in a pathetic attempt to make a minor benefit seem monumental (Five percent off!!!) or smiley faces in official correspondence.

6. Drei Kronen 1308 - which has few customers, good but pricey home brew (RMB58 per pint), and plenty of solid cold-weather food like sausage, schnitzel, sauerkraut, pretzels, bread, and mashed potatoes - would create a Wunderbar Winter Wonderland Sunday Brunch that includes a full buffet and all-you-can-drink beer for a reasonable price (RMB188?).

7. Flair bartenders would be exiled to Shanghai or some other hellhole.

(Just kidding, Shanghai expatriates, just kidding. Seriously, calm down, I didn’t mean it. Really, I… hey, look what I have! A shiny penny! Isn’t that pretty? Yes, I thought you would like it. It’s so… shiny… and… pretty. [Pause] Now, while I have you my under spell, one other thing: When you meet someone new, wait at least a dozen seconds before you ask his or her job and, if the job cited doesn’t interest you, wait at least another dozen seconds before you drift away in utter boredom. Trust me, we like you, but doing this one little thing will make us like you even more. Just saying…)

8. “Soft opening” would mean a bar, club, or restaurant is still getting its service, food, and drinks up to par and thus offers reduced prices or extra portions to compensate. “Hard opening” would mean the establishment is prepared to provide full value. Even better, there would just be an “opening”, with no adjective to indicate its firmness.

More items coming soon!

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* OK, technically my mom got the credit for the wet naps.

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Last Friday ranks among those days that start with a wine tasting at 11 AM, when our taste buds are supposedly at their best, and end the next morning at 3 AM, when my wallet is definitely at its worst. Thank Buddha the list of such days is short. The itinerary, for no particular reason, in reverse order…

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Q Bar I met my buddy O-Zone four years ago in First Cafe, where two of Q Bar’s three owners - George and Echo - then worked. Thus, it is often the finishing point for our nights out. This time around it meant my first drink there since the price increases just before the Olympics: RMB60 for a martini straddles, if not crosses, the value line. O-Zone ordered a Gin Tonic, I has a Planter’s Punch, and the third co-owner, Ralph, gave us a try of his new dish - sausages and fries. Nice for Oktoberfest… -

Ichikura With the bar about half full - that would be six of the dozen or so seats - we got comfortably numb. I asked the bartender for an Alfonso Special. Never heard of it. I wrote down the recipe. He scrutinized it, then headed to the far end of the bar and alternated between scratching his head in thought and mixing the drink. The result: pretty tasty. As usual, he turned on the “beam to heaven” - the coaster-size light that shines up from beneath the bar’s transparent top and on which he places the cocktail glass for the pour. -

Aperitivo We snagged the last table on the deck and watched the crowd pass - pedestrian traffic continues to be heavy at night since the police started to bar vehicles from this street. By the way, while Aperitivo is known for wine, my buddy The Fish swears by the Margarita. -

Tun O-Zone and I decided to meet here. Free drinks for ladies from 9 PM to midnight - I wonder how other bars feel about that deal!? - brings in a good crowd though the music seemed a bit heavy for this sort of event. Anyway, I’m sticking with Tun as my “sleeper” pick. -

Sequoia Café The return of these Friday night wine tastings drew many regulars and quite a few newcomers. The theme: the Margaret River area in southwestern Australia. I wasn’t too keen on any of the five selections, but perhaps my taste buds were exhausted by two earlier tastings. In any case, it is good to have Fridays with Frank back, since I know of no other wine events that create this sense of community. -

Frantoi Celliti Drei Kronen 1308 I met fellow beverage researchers AU and GA to drink wine at 1949: The Hidden City and we decided to chase it down with food. We walked to Frantoi Celliti, the massive new and sparsely patronized Italian joint near Tun, and found it darkened at 5:15. Someone spotted our faces pressed against the glass, popped the door, and said 5:30 is the official opening, with 6:30 or 7 PM better for dinner. Hmmm…

We decided to eat at Drei Kronen 1308 instead. The deal: AU and GA would go first and I would catch up after heading home to drop off my laptop and pick up three “free beer” coupons I received at a Klubb Rouge event (same owner). Everything went to plan: I arrived, they already had mugs of beer and plates of sausages, and I gave the coupons to the waitress.

The bill seemed a bit heavy when it arrived. We soon discovered why: it was carrying the weight of those three beers. The explanation: we did not present the coupons upon arrival.

Did anyone mention that when I handed over the coupons? No. Does any such rule appear on the coupons? No. Does it make sense to create coupons to encourage people to come and then create a bad impression by not honoring them? No. After our firm suggestion that they reconsider the policy, a scrum of wait staff and management ensued and we found our bill reduced.

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1/5 Taverna About 70 wineries from the Golden State were on hand as the California Wine Institute organized a mid-afternoon tasting at 1949: The Hidden City. This one saw a mixed crowd of distributors, journalists, restaurateurs, and consumers spend two hours trying to visit all of those tables. Talk about California dreaming (the details).

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Green T. House I headed to this arty and austere downtown restaurant around 10 AM for a Wine Australia event. Before we sampled 13 wines from Down Under, including top-end selections from Penfolds and Henschke, we had a lesson about… tea. The reason? To link China and Australia by arguing the much-loved beverages of the two nations share everything from physical properties to traditions for enjoyment. In terms of marketing, call it sophistication meets warmth and fuzziness, and deserving of its own post. Coming Monday…

Massive German brew pub Drei Kronen 1308 in China View has slated its grand opening for October 10 to 18. A franchise of the 700-year-old Baverian brewery “Three Crowns”, Drei Kronen held its “soft opening” in mid-August. It shares ownership links with Klubb Rouge and Stadium sports bar in the next building. Expect an Octoberfest atmosphere next month as well as “Bavarian nights”, Sunday brunches, and live music.

Drei Kronen is a cavernous place, with massive coppers tanks, a sturdy bar, and wraparound balconies on the second and third floor. A rooftop beer garden includes a partially glass roof that provides a view of the scene a dozen meters below.

Brew master Hans Gerner is currently making wheat, lager, and dark beers, and says the operation has a capacity of more than 100,000 liters per month. The beer is a bit pricey, with a 500 ML mug costing RMB58, but the place does offer a daily two-for-one happy hour, from 5 to 7 PM.