Beijing Boyce

A darkened door greeted me at Icehouse on Thursday night and further investigation revealed that this bar - the first to fly in blues bands from Chicago, the home for Chopschticks comedy shows and a regular venue for Beijing Cheese Society events - has finally closed after a long struggle to push the high-end envelope in Wangfujing. Icehouse will apparently re-open elsewhere this fall as part of The Legation group of restaurants. Remaining area watering holes include Garden of Delights and Champagne. I’ll have more on the meltdown at Icehouse next issue. / Browns managing partner Philip Cheung married long-time girlfriend Amy at the pub over the holidays. Meanwhile, supervisor Jackie Kong is on extended leave and marketing head Graheme Drew has left for other pursuits, thus taking some energy and personality out of the bar. Browns will celebrate its one-year anniversary on Friday (January 19) with the two-for-one deal that got the place off to a flying start in the first place. / Word has it that Alex Kreilein, who appeared out of nowhere last year and started making good cheap drinks at Phil’s Pub, will return to our fair city this summer. Let’s hope he brings his cocktail shaker. / It’s been ages since my last reconnaissance mission around Workers’ Stadium and a recent hike showed that, beside obvious renovations to the sports facilities, change has been in the air. Gongti East: A sizeable complex now stands erect where the former Maggie’s once squatted and will apparently house fancy restaurants, bars and, if the lettering on a giant green tarp surrounding the place is right, a spa. Nearby, Le Quai continues to offer a nice spot for enjoying coffee and watching people skate. Gongti South: Dance club Mix has a new concrete facade adorned with giant posters advertising upcoming DJs. Across the way, scaffolding stands about three meters in front of Vics and Outback Steakhouse, where a large sign proclaims it is “business as usual” at the latter. Gongti West: Club central remains home to the city’s most ferocious liquor advertising battle, with Johnnie Walker, Chivas and Hennessey fighting for space. The building behind is packed with restaurants, including Three Guizhou Men, Mallikan (Indian), Hot Loft (hot pot), Kuo Bee Pen Da (Chinese) and Coco Cafe, as well as the new Club Babi. Gongti South: As mentioned, Pipes Cafe went singular and dropped the “s” while investing in a new sign that pays homage to Coors Light, while upscale spots such as Face (up the street) and China Lounge (just inside the park) have upped the ante in this area. / A year since my last visit to Souk and this place remains a decent Saturday night retreat, with plenty of nooks for chatting, drinking and, for those who are pretentious or just too lazy to smoke a cigarette, enjoying hookahs. The major drawback: my Bloody Mary came with about a half-ounce of vodka and no Worchester Sauce or celery salt, the latter two ingredients easily available at Jenny Lou’s up the street. / China Expat Magazine published its “2006 China National Bar Awards,” which cover an impressive 25 cities as well as Ulan Bator in Mongolia. The picks for Beijing were Centro, Suzie Wong, Browns, Aperitivo, Bookworm, Face, Pavillion and Maggies. See www.chinaexpat.com for details. / Numerous readers have complained about service at The Bookworm. My own story unfolded last month, when I took two visiting journalists there for lunch to show off the place. We, like most patrons, spent an hour having our annoyance at the long wait for food interrupted by spurts of anticipation whenever a waiter appeared with a plate (is it mine? is it mine?). Turns out much of the kitchen staff had quit. Fine, but why not tell people, so they can decide, on a working day, if the wait is worth it? To its credit, The Bookworm waived our bill, and I’ve since been back for lunch with no problems, but it seems there is some disgruntlement out there and that mixed experiences (see Choose the Gerbil! below) are par for the course at this busy spot (and yes, we do appreciate the books and seminars).

Warning: The following story contains disturbing scenes involving a plush monkey and is not suitable for those under the age of 21, allergic to polyester or prone to taking life too seriously. Most of the characters are real, thus their resemblance to actual persons is pretty much to be expected, isn’t it?

He’s five inches tall, full of plastic beans and sports a coat of recycled fibers. He’s the definition of mystery with his Men-in-Black coloring and Mona Lisa-like expression. He’s irresistible to adults, children and zookeepers of all ages, likes to play with his banana and knows how to swing. Meet Zimbu, the plush Beanie Baby monkey with a difference (http://www.beijingboyce.com/zimbu/).

Consider a recent Halloween party: an irate patron struts behind a nightclub, screaming in Mandarin for ten minutes and insulting the mothers of the planet. From the safety of a second-floor balcony, Zimbu hangs over the precipice, at arm’s length, and the order “Quiet!” rings out. Below, the man wobbles, looks up and directs his fury at no person, but at Zimbu, challenging a plush monkey - yes, a plush monkey! - to fight. Suffice it to say, half-pound Zimbu doesn’t stand much chance against a 170-pound human, even a drunken one, but that’s hardly the point. What matters is that Zimbu commands attention. In fact, over the recent Halloween weekend, he received drinks from bar-goers, untold kisses from females and numerous handshakes from males. Here is a recap of five Halloween parties, each one with a “Zimbu moment.”*

The party: that’s Beijing’s bash at Rui Fu

The Crow and I arrived at Rui Fu on Friday at the witching hour of Midnight. This place has a Halloween feel even on a regular night due to the monolithic abandoned residence (haunted house?) out back, the octopi-like chandeliers, and the lighting. Plus, they did a bang-up job installing a pink-lit revolving door into the side of that old building (wait, that’s PERMANENT?). In any case, it’s ideal for a Halloween party.

The 100-kuai entry fee for this annual bash came with two drinks (Freixenet sparkling wine in my case) and enough Halloween sweets to wire half the city. The crowd reportedly topped 600, and Rui Fu was packed and rowdy, with most people costumed. The usual angels, devils, cross-dressers, naughty nurses and assorted dorks were on hand, along with a Yao Ming (i.e. a basketball ball-jersey wearing guy on stilts) and owner Henry Lee as Glandalf or Gargamal or whatever you call that Lord of the Rings wizard (the only character I can remember from that movie is Farto. Or is it Frito?)

This event was not without problems. The free drinks ran out, though late at night, and this led to some arguments between patrons and bartenders. that’s Beijing did damage control by handing out refunds. (Those who paid the cover but didn’t get drinks may email info@thatsbj.com.) On top of this, the overwhelmed Rui Fu staff did not handle the stress well, resulting in further friction with patrons and lengthy waits for drinks. Despite this and the place seeming somewhat out of control, people seemed to be having a great time and this annual party, held the last two years at Tango, remains a must-go on the Halloween circuit.

After mingling for an hour with the masses, The Crow and I headed upstairs, plunked down on the balcony and for thirty minutes watched drama unfold in the parking lot. 1. A man strutted about while insulting everybody’s mother and threatening Zimbu (Henry dealt with this guy). 2. Another man smashed the ends off two beer bottles (I thought that only happened in movies) and waved the jagged edges as his concerned friends tried to restore calm, the scene dragging out so long that it lost all momentum and ended peacefully. 3. A car backed over a case of empties. It was an interesting vantage point, especially given the good company. Such as the guy who came onto the balcony, saw our that’s Beijing entry stickers, snorted the air as if they were scratch n’ sniff and scented with cho dofu, and said: “Oh, you are wearing zee badge of zat’s Beijing. I suppose you are zee magazine’s property.” (I know it’s not nice to make fun of people’s accents, but it’s also not nice to make fun of stickers, and fair is fair.)

“Yes,” I answered. Agreeing can often defuse a situation or, as in this case, confuse it. Le hater de autocollants (stickers) paused, heaved his chest and announced, “I am from France!”

“No you’re not. You’re from Belgium,” I answered, hoping the confusion route might yet work. After another moment of perplexity, he again defiantly uttered, “France!”

“Belgium!” I sternly replied. At this point, I shifted my shoulder to emphasize the presence of Zimbu. The man obviously sensed that the power of a plush monkey was about to be unleashed because he retreated. The Crow and I looked at each other, shook our heads in disbelief, finished our Budweiser, and ended a weird, interesting and somewhat scary night at Rui Fu.

The Zimbu moment: The plush monkey received kisses from a half-dozen people, including newsletter reader Nikki, who I met for the first time. The scary moment: when club owner Henry looked as though he might kidnap Zimbu and spirit him away in that gigantic Gandalf (or was it Harry Potter?) hat.

The party: Timeout’s bash at Icehouse
Intrigued by Icehouse’s recent redesign from blues bar to art gallery, and the numerous last-minute SMS and email invitations from Timeout, I popped in around ten on Saturday night. The place was somewhat thematic given that it was as active as a graveyard. Although Icehouse made an effort with the decorations, I was among the few costumed people, and most patrons sat around zombie-like, including a handful getting manicures and massages on the stage, while DJ Daisy futilely played house music for these living dead. Surreal. The 50-kuai entry fee got me one of those ubiquitous Freixenet sparkling wine cocktails. I tried a “Black Magic” (Freixenet and Beamish beer) and then a “Bubbly Mojito” (Freixenent, white rum, lemon juice and mint leaves), and both were decent.

The Zimbu moment: Given that he lacks musculature, the massages were lost on Zimbu, who was annoyed at the apathy of his fellow patrons, save for media bigwig TP, who exchanged a long and hostile look with the monkey (obviously an alpha male thing). I got Zimbu out of Icehouse before the chef upstairs decided to use him for some fusion cuisine.

The party: Champagne Bar’s Yelloween
It was quality over quantity at Champagne, where about 40 patrons were having a great time. There were plenty of decorations and almost everyone was in costume, including a posse of short-panted, red-hatted cowgirls that I saw later that night with their cowboys busting moves at Browns.

The Zimbu moment: Once again, kisses, cuddles and handshakes all around for the monkey. The female wait staff’s vine-like accessories delighted Zimbu, reminding him of jungles back home.

The party: Maggie’s Bar
An incredible number of the female patrons were dressed up as “ladies of the evening” and, as if they were mind readers, most of the males dressed up as patrons of such women. I know, what are the odds?

The Zimbu moment: One costumed lass offered Zimbu a 50-percent plush monkey discount “for the night” because she thought he was “small and cute.” I got him out of there, but not before he made a few cutting remarks that it’s not the height of the tree, but the size of the banana hanging in it.

The party: Browns Scary Halloween
Costumed employees greeted guests outside and directed them up the stairs, which were enclosed and converted into a haunted house. Cobwebs, skeletons and paper pumpkins covered almost every inch of the interior, while boxy ghosts made from the bed-sheets of marketing manager Drew spun from the ceiling fans. Two smoke machines kept the scene eerily fun, though visibility was down to a mere meter at times. This total decoration apparently took five days to set up and cost Browns 25000 kuai. The 100-kuai entry fee included a Hoegaarden, a Jagermeister shot and a bag of treats. I liked the “eyeball martini” concocted by Jackie, with its creepy garnish of a lychee stuffed with a black olive. And what better platform for a costume show than Browns’ bar top? Overall, it was an excellent night, and the key ingredient was not the decoration, drinks or music, but the enthusiasm of the staff that put it all together. It speaks volumes that employees from other bars holding Halloween parties were gathering in Browns by night’s end.

The Zimbu moment: Drew bought a shot of tequila for Zimbu, little knowing that it takes far more than one drink to get this monkey to dance on the bar.

* Note: I have been “monkey-sitting” Zimbu for almost ten years, ever since I lived in South Korea and my American colleague Jen left him behind when she ran off to Berlin to marry some German photographer. At least once a year, she reminds me that I am to return Zimbu someday, particularly as he is rising in value as a collectible Beanie Baby. Unfortunately, she is unaware of the depreciation that can occur for a plush monkey with an adventurous nightlife. Zimbu has been a part of my Halloween costume every year, whether I dress as a pirate, bandit or other miscreant, and thus fallen onto nightclub floors, soaked up more than a few spilled beers and been embossed with a hundred shades of lipstick from affectionate partygoers. When Jen and Zimbu are finally reunited, I have a feeling it will be one of those shocking “You’re not the same monkey I remember!” moments.

(From Beijing Boyce XXVII, first emailed on November 23, 2006)

Cafe Pause will feature German music and Jagermeister cocktails on September 23 (8 PM on), and co-owner Stefan Fleischer is offering a free shooter to anyone wearing Leiderhosen. / Crowne Plaza Hotel’s Champagne Bar has 鈥渂ubbles for babes鈥?every Thursday from 9 PM, with free Van Gogh vodka cocktails and Champagne cocktails for women. / Zeta Bar starts with 鈥渮,鈥?which apparently requires the Hilton Hotel’s zany marketers to zealously use this zippy letter a zillion times (yes, I can do it, too). Thus, the bar has half off martinis on Mondaze, two-for-one Zeta-themed cocktails on Tuesdays, and 50 percent off Whizky on Wednesdays, all before 9 PM. There’s Champagne and Zequins (sequins? sea queens? segues?) on Thursday, with two-for-one Moet Chandon for ladies from 6 PM to midnight, and half off select bottles from 9 PM to midnight on Pingzi Fridays. By the way, if you have not checked out Zeta, the decor alone is worth the trip. / The wine will flow free courtesy of Summergate at that’s Beijing ’s five-year anniversary and starving artists’ party at C5 Gallery (2-6 PM), between Peter Pan and Serve the People in Sanlitun. The event will include performances by Panjir Trio and Ah-Q, with the latter about to release its first CD. / Jebsen will hold a tasting of six Rosemount wines on September 23 at Stone Boat (7-9 PM, 100 kuai). Ethan Perk, formerly with Montrose, has joined Jebsen as deputy general manager. / YPHH and The Tree will hold a Belgian beer night on September 26 on the Youyi Hostel terrace (6:30-11 PM; 100 kuai YPHH members, 150 kuai non-members). / China World Hotel and Torres team up on September 28 for a five-course gourmet dinner, by Aria Chef de Cuisine Nicholas Blaira, paired with Peter Lehmann wines (888 kuai). / ASC Fine Wines has a full slate of wine tasting events, including a Penfolds dinner at Garden of Delights (October 13), a Skalli dinner at Aria (October 18) and a Bollinger dinner at Jaan, Raffles (October 24; 988 kuai). / Montrose sent me emails about a Herradura tequila launch party at China Lounge and a wine club event on September 21, but I was unable to access the company’s Web site (www.montrosechina.com).

(From Beijing Boyce XXIV, first emailed on September 21, 2006)

Last year, I wrote that a new bar or restaurant with a medieval look was being built behind Sun City. Some six months later, the place still has no sign, the carved stone pillars stand like silent vigils, and the giant wooden doors, with iron rings for openers, are locked. Does anyone have inside information? / T. Smith writes that Hua Xin, one of Beijing’s rockers from the early 90s, has opened a place called Shi Wu, near the Bell Tower. / Word has it that the new Latino’s will re-open behind Poly Plaza in July. / Meanwhile, Brewery Tap, in Blue Castle Apartments, has poured its last draft. Farewell to a spot that offered cheap Guinness and decent ambience. / Jan McDonald is retiring as organizer of the Wednesday night dinner club after several years of tenaciously keeping people fed mid-week. / Happy Hour at Champagne this month means two-for-one Van Gogh vodka cocktails (8 PM to close).

(From Beijing Boyce XVIII, first emailed on June 8, 2006)

Razed. Chai’d. Bye bye’d. Beijing’s three-meter salute to drinking – the Sanlitun beer mug — was not only a dispenser of cigarettes, gum and beer, but also a reference point for locating dozens of bars. Now it’s gone, tossed on the dust heap of history in what is already a very dusty city. Not even a cement coaster remains. As always, change is in the air and Opening Shots covers eight bar scene developments.

ONE

Crisis at First Cafe: it was long my favorite bar but cocktail quality has slid quite a bit during the past year, though the ambience remains good. With the nearby beer mug gone, what does fate hold for this cozy watering hole, especially given that its sign has been turned off for nearly two weeks?

TWO

Meanwhile, ex-First Cafe, ex-Midnight bartenders George Zhou and Echo Sun nearly have Q Bar ready atop the Eastern Inn on Sanlitun South. The place will have dim lighting, cozy couches, and jazz and blues music, with the interior and deck much more spacious than what George and Echo have before handled. The wildcard is the cocktails — their claim to fame — and whether the (quality) martinis will smoothly flow should the place hit its peak capacity of over one hundred people.

(By the way, some wonder why I so regularly write about George and Echo. In short, they epitomize everything about opportunity in China. A couple of years ago, they were out-of-town novice bartenders, learning their craft and making little money. They worked hard, built up their mixing skills, bar knowledge and a loyal following, and now have their own place. To me, that is a compelling story.)

Q Bar will fully open in early June…

THREE

… as will TRIO, with a soft opening on Friday (May 12). Near the Rosedale Park, Japanese School and Si-de Park, TRIO has a piano bar and a New York-style grill on the top floor, the new Frank’s Place at ground level, and The Cellar in the, uh, cellar. This is a major project and the big question is whether it can stick in an area that is not exactly known for nightlife. The Cellar itself is unique in Beijing with its wrought iron doors, stucco walls, arch ceiling, earthy feel and focus on wine. There will be a Club 88, with an 8888 kuai initial investment and 3888 kuai annual fee, where members receive free wine dinners and cooking classes, discounts on wine, and a 32-bottle onsite storage space (lock and key included). The top floor grill, complete with baby grand piano, seats 50, while Frank’s Place holds 110 and has a pool table, a bar, eight TVs and outdoor seating in front and back. (Thanks to investor Roger Dutton for the tour.)

FOUR

Speaking of outdoors, The Pavillion now has a most pleasant patio. Comfy wicker chairs, lush grass, serene trees — a nice spot for a few pints or bottle of wine. (The cocktails are okay, though one Mojito came with uncrushed mint and the Long Island had too much Coke. Word has it that the food has greatly improved with ex-Aria chef Richard Millar now on hand.) This seems to be the Year of Outdoor Seating. There are newcomers, such as Frank’s Place, Le Petit Gourmand, 5:19, Cafe Pause, The Pomegranate and The Bookworm (though the nearby construction is annoying); old-timers, ranging from Bar Blu, Stone Boat and Le Quai to numerous Houhai spots; and more decks, patios and rooftops coming, such as at Blue Fox.

FIVE

Glenn, we hardly knew you! My suspicions about tensions between the owners and staff at Browns turned into reality as Glenn Phelan, who joined Browns when he left Pavillion after a three-month stint, resigned as floor manager (the DJ soon followed and there may be more fallout). Look for Glenn to have his own spot in a few months. Meanwhile, investor Philip Cheung says that Browns’ Russian sidebar will open next month and that ladies’ night, on Wednesdays, will be extended from 2 AM to 3 AM (the free drinks have been cut back to a select list of cocktails). As expected, Guinness and Kilkenny prices have risen to 40 kuai, from 35 kuai, which begs the question: when will they go up again?

SIX

Efforts to duplicate the Centro phenomenon continue with one high-end hotel recently launching Champagne and another expected to open a bar this summer. Palms threw its hat into the ring about six months ago, though it was quickly tossed back. Champagne might want to resist describing itself, in its adverts, as “fast becoming the hottest place in the city for Beijing’s social elite,” because if one of my visits was any indication, those elites number less than a dozen. It would be much more useful to study Centro‘s excellence in effectively welding great location with calculated and sustained marketing.

SEVEN

I recently wrote that Beijing’s cocktail scene was stumbling down the proverbial stairs. In hindsight, it might have been a case of “one step backward, two steps forward.” Q Bar is about to open, Garden of Delights serves up excellent Mojitos, Centro has upgraded its cocktail list, master mixer Marc van Bever has returned to Beer Mania (luckily that cast is on his ankle, not on his wrist), Jackie at Browns is sharpening his skills (Agent Red Wolf gave the Mojito a thumb up), Modern Nomads has those Chinggis vodka Martinis, and so on. Things do seem to be looking brighter.

(From Beijing Boyce XVI, first emailed on May 11, 2006)

The Crowne Plaza Hotel (Wangfujing) launched its lobby bar late last month with a party that saw the multi-hued cocktails and Veuve Cliquot flow. The waitresses sported wild hairdos, the dry ice smoked, the jazz musicians pecked out tunes and the decor had hints of Centro. The hotel’s managers circulated, picking up more than ample praise, prompting me to note that the cocktails could be better. New food and beverage manager Jeroen Jolij, a newcomer to Beijing, looked me straight in the eye and, to my surprise, did none of the following: 1) shrug his shoulders, 2) insincerely say “sorry,” 3) blame it on fellow employees, 4) give me an “if you don’t like it, go somewhere else” look, or 5) mush a strawberry into my face. Instead, he escorted me to the bar, introduced me to a man named Finn Huang, and asked me to order. “Vodka martini with a twist” said I, and a few minutes later, with a perfect string of lemon peel, a tasty three-ounce drink appeared courtesy of Finn. (Note: Even M-Dawg, no fan of martinis, excitedly remarked, “THAT looks like a real cocktail!”.) Well, we all get lucky, so I asked Finn to have another go, this time with gin. Once again, another magically intoxicating drink appeared. That’s the good news. Now, the bad: Finn was only in Beijing for the night, as his regular gig is Three on the Bund in Shanghai. The silver lining: any bar with the sense to hire a quality bartender, even for one night, has potential. (Note: Afterwards, I headed to nearby Garden of Delights and had a delicious Mojito Martini and a Long Island. Good stuff.)

(From Beijing Boyce XVI, first emailed on May 11, 2006)

that’s Beijing held its restaurant awards, at Champagne bar, on May 11. Hatsune, Alameda, Steaks and Eggs, and Green T. House came away as multiple winners. Bellagio took top prize for late-night dining. / Cafe Pause has started wine tastings and the first featured German wines accompanied by German-style tapas (more on this event next time). This place now has outdoor seating and is a cozy spot to enjoy some Fleischer Secco sparkling wine. Speaking of which, I mistakenly wrote that the cafe stopped serving its cheese and spinach dumplings with pesto sauce. The delicious item I had been thinking of was the pork filet roll filled with spinach, Parmesan and almonds, and topped with red pesto sauce, and it remains on the menu. / John Bull Pub is holding a Taco Party all day Friday (May 12), with tacos (10 kuai) and frozen Margaritas (20 kuai). / Palette Vino will hold a South African wine tasting on May 12 (8 PM) and a Terrazas Argentinean wine tasting on May 19 (8 PM) in its Shunyi location, which will soon offer tapas and pasta. / ASC Fine Wines and House by the Park will pair Henri Bourgeois wines with Chinese cuisine on May 17 (7 PM, 688 kuai per person), with estate owner Jean Marie Bourgeois on hand. Also on the schedule: A Louis Jadot wine dinner, with winery president Pierre-Henry Gagey, at Tian Yi Di Jia on May 19, and a Guigal wine dinner, with winery president Marcel Guigal, at Aria on May 26. / Rui Fu, the new bar from Henry Li (Neo Lounge; Vogue; Public Space) is about to open, will open in June, will open in spirit but not in body, or is simply a figment of our collective imagination. Does anyone really know? In the meantime, it remains, according to many, “highly anticipated.” / It’s nice to see bar owners occasionally out doing research, with Dave McCullough of 5:19 spotted at Browns, The Den and The Bookworm last weekend. / One year ago, a trip to Tongli Studio meant a night at Bar Blu. Now when I hit those steps, I’m thinking Top Club or Cheers. / One year ago, a trip to Bar One found the place virtually empty, but a trip two weeks ago found it comfortably populated and the music fun. Call it Maggie’s sans Mongolians. / I hear that Stone Boat, in Ritan Park, has been drawing sizeable crowds with its live music series, particularly last Friday’s post-MIDI party. / Inner Affairs has renamed itself I [Heart] Beijing, thereby joining Zing by Doodoo’s in Beijing’s Lame Name Hall of Fame. / Maggie’s dance floor was under construction two weeks ago, but should now be open. / The Pomegranate was a bit claustrophobic in the winter, with those oil-burning heaters, but better weather means those in Shunyi have a nice outdoor option for enjoying a few pints and some decent pub grub. / Kranzler’s Restaurant and Bar, named after a Berlin Cafe started in the twenties, will soon open in the Kempinski Hotel. / Together, a fairly new bar with a Reggae theme, will have 12 hours (2 PM to 2 AM) of Marley-type music by DJ Herbie on May 13. / Garden of Delights joins the list of more-than-happy happy hours: two-for-one, from 6 to 7:30 PM, on weeknights, with floor manager Alex making one mean Mojito. / that’s Beijing held its bar and restaurant awards today, with Alameda, Steaks and Eggs, Green T. House and Hatsune coming out multiple winners. Bellagio took home the prize for late-night dining. / Just in case some people forgot, Mother’s Day is this Sunday. / And as always, if you like this newsletter, please pass it on to others you think might enjoy it. One need only send me a simple email to get on the list. Eat, drink and be merry, BB.

(From Beijing Boyce XVI, first emailed on May 11, 2006) 

Ex-First Cafe, ex-Midnight bartenders George Zhou and Echo Sun will launch Q Bar on Sanlitun North, near Beer Mania, with the soft opening due in early May. Backed by foreign investors, Q Bar will focus on — no surprise — cocktails and have outdoor seating. / Based on a dozen pass-bys, Midnight has seen a huge drop in business since losing its bartenders a month ago in a debacle that, on one hand, has been a lose-lose-lose situation for the owners, staff and customers, and on the other hand, business as usual in Beijing. / Meanwhile, First Cafe, my favorite bar from late 2004 to summer 2005, has gone from being the city’s best-kept secret to an overpriced drinking hole. The cozy ambience no longer compensates for the anemic Bloody Mary (40 kuai) and passable Gin and Tonic (50 kuai), unless one has an excess of money and a dearth of taste. If you go, eschew the cocktails for beer and shots. / Speaking of which, the cost of a Gin and Tonic, using Bombay Sapphire, at four places last Saturday night: Phil’s Pub, 20; icehouse, 40; First Cafe, 50; Champagne, 55.2 (yes, they actually charge miao). Phil’s offers great value; icehouse and Champagne feature bands (the former’s is particularly good), and First Cafe has some atmosphere and, uh, a sit-down toilet. / Mint shortage! Pavillion was out two weeks ago, Champagne and icehouse last Saturday, and Mexican Wave last Sunday, the latter denying Agent Red Wolf a taste of its Mojito just hours before she finalized her top-five list (see below). Is this a niche market for an herb entrepreneur or do bars simply find the Mojito too time-consuming to make? / ASC Fine Wines is celebrating its tenth anniversary. It’s been a decade for Don St. Pierre, Sr. and crew, and they are the team to beat when it comes to wine distribution in China . See Closing Shots for their celebratory wine and Riedel glass special. / The Big Easy is on the chai-ing block and April looks to be its last stand. Catch a final Bloody Mary on the veranda at one of Beijing ’s landmark bars. / From Margaritas to Martinis, drinks are free for the ladies at Browns after 9 PM on Wednesdays. The downside: the gentlemen sometimes find their orders — those would be the drinks on which the bar MAKES money — backlogged behind 20 cocktails, even for something as simple as Whisky shots. / The Timeout readers’ party last Thursday at icehouse was packed and the band was rocking. The place was also hopping last Saturday night. That long hallway is still creepy and reminds me of “The Cask of Amontillado” (BYOT — Bring Your Own Trowel). / A Molinari Sambuca launch party was held in Beijing last Thursday at the ” European-style Conference Center ” in Chaoyang Park (thanks to SF for the invite). I found the cocktails either too sweet or too light, and instead took my Sambuca straight, which helped numb me toward the painfully bad presentation and foreign poseurs. Listening to three (translated) speeches was bearable, but pity the (Italian?) reps brought on stage some five times over ninety minutes, with almost everyone oblivious to them. And the following words, unless uttered for amusement purposes, should never start a speech at an alcohol launch: “In the course of human development…” By the way, these foreigners with weird glasses (i.e. primary blue with gold sparkles) and/or un-tucked designer dress shirts and/or the hair that’s supposed to look stylish but is more reminiscent of a bad mousse day and/or the “I’m a socialite in China, even though I’d be lucky to be runner up back home in a KFC assistant manager hiring campaign” attitude — where do they rent them? Uh oh, stop me, stop me… uh oh… I’m going… into… oh, no… day… dream… mode…

[I’m beside a guy wearing black heavy-rimmed glasses with mother-of-pearl inlay. His head is weighed down with mousse; he wears a neatly un-tucked dress shirt. When I first spoke to him, he gave me a look that said: “I’m in a charitable mood, so I will allow you to humor me.” We have just exchanged “pleasantries.”]

Me: “So, what do you do in Beijing ?” [Yes, that’s a terrible question.]

Him: “What DON’T I do? Let’s just say that I’m in consulting.”

“Are you in any particular field?”

“Actually, I’m talented in numerous areas, but I guess if I had to pick one, I’d say communications.”

“That sounds, uh, extremely difficult.”

[My rapt attention has warmed him up. He re-untucks his shirt and continues.]

“Yes, it’s quite hard. I spend a lot of time on research, academic stuff, with a focus on a younger demographic. I’d hazard to call it leading edge, you know?”

[I nod, faux awe radiating outwards.]

“It’s very proactive. I get a chance to learn about them, they get a chance to learn about me; it’s the cross-cultural exchange I find so rewarding.”

“Hang on! You wouldn’t be consulting in ‘education,’ would you?”

“Uh, as I said, I think my field is best described as communications…”

“Hey, are you teaching English to kids!?”

With this, my “speaking partner,” as they say in his field, suddenly needs to refresh his drink.

This exchange is an exaggeration, of course, but there are a lot of poseurs out there. I recommend that expatriates ask themselves at least once a month: if I suddenly had to return home, what kind of job could I get? For the vast majority of us, the answer is humbling. [By the way, I’m not criticizing English teachers, as many are hardworking and dedicated, and many of the most successful people I know were English teachers at one time, so please save the hate e-mail, even though it would probably have fewer spelling mistakes than most of the stuff I get. Actually, I don’t even want to criticize poseurs, either. Please DON’T start tucking in your shirts! Enjoy it while it lasts, and remember, this was all just a daydream. Now, back to opening shots…]

The Pavillion has moved its furniture about, printed new menus, and dropped the price on drinks, or at least on Long Islands . When I visited two weeks ago, the proprietor Russell Probert kindly treated me to a beer and said work was about to begin out back, where a Mediterranean restaurant will be added and landscaping done. / Le Petit Gourmand’s new sundeck is, by all reports, very cozy. Since my “live bug falling out of Parmesan can and onto pizza” incident earlier this year, I’ve only been back once and stuck to the high-value lattes — big mug, 15 kuai. / I went to Saddle and ordered the large burrito (50 kuai; didn’t the same size used to be 35 kuai?). The waitress leaned against the counter, loudly chewed her gum (mouth wide open) and cow-stared as I ate my meal. Not comfortable. The music, which included John Cougar and Ram Jam, was good. / Last week, I reported that Trio will soon open across from the Lido Hotel. It’s actually the Rosedale Hotel. / Cafe Pause will apparently change its menu — again. The blue cheese and spinach dumplings with pesto sauce were fantastic, everyone loved them, and I was annoyed they were no longer available when I recently hiked all the way to Dashanzi. Consistency, especially with the good things in life (like blue cheese dumplings), is a virtue. / I really enjoy the unpretentious patrons and atmosphere at Modern Nomads. Simply put, it’s a fun to place to kick back for an hour, sip a Mongolian vodka martini and watch live throat singing and pop music.

(From Beijing Boyce XIV, first emailed on April 6, 2006)

This Centro wannabe in Wangfujing has hints of Austin Powers and “Buck Rogers in the Twenty-first Century” in its decor. It seems aimed at the nouveau rich and hotel guests on expense accounts, though the service needs work. Case in point: my order of a “martini” was almost mistranslated as “lemon tea” (yes, I like my cha stirred, not shaken). No one asked if I wanted vodka or gin, though a request for no olives brought the suggestion of a lemon twist (good idea). The martini turned out to be watery, and the lemon — untwisted (well, at least the intentions were good). Agent Red Wolf was unimpressed with the Long Island. The place seats hundreds, but there were only seven of us that night, though to be fair, the place is new and will need time to build a clientele. The band is fine (the singer doubles as a flutist), but was followed by a sleep-inducing medley of tunes, including elevator versions of Blowin’ in the Wind, Scarborough Fair and Jambalaya (on the Bayou).

(From Beijing Boyce XIV, first emailed on April 6, 2006)