Beijing Boyce

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Remember how Karl Long and Chad Lager, two guys well-known as bar managers but not at all as drink makers, took the top two spots as “bartender of the year” in the Beijinger bar awards a couple of years ago? It upset a lot of people. I’m guessing this year’s “personality of the year” category for the restaurant awards will upset a lot more.

I’m not even sure what that category is about. Does it refer to who has done the most for the Beijing restaurant scene? Who is “the face” of a particular place? Who evokes the most immediate reaction — either good or bad? I dunno. But first, here are the contenders:

• Alan Wong, Hatsune / Kagen
• Alex Molina, Modo / Mosto
• Andy Bright, Union Bar and & Grille
• Billy Bolton, Chef Too
• Brian Reimer, Maison Boulud
• Daniel Urdaneta, Mosto / Modo
• Dong ZhenXiang, Da Dong Roast Duck
• Gaby Alves, Salt / Terra
• Ignace Lecleir, Temple Restaurant Beijing
• Max Levy, Apothecary / Bei
• Nicolas Socquet, Maison Boulud
• Reto Kistler, Sureno
• Seth Grossman, Home Plate Bar-B-Que

Hmmm. Like I said, this is going to upset a lot of people, including the 15,000 fans that chef Jun Trinh (4corners) has on Weibo. I mean, where are Brian McKenna and Kro? And what is to stop them from exacting revenge by creating a super-personality called McKrona?

Anyway, as a long-time observer of the outrage that every restaurant contest inspires, here are some criticisms I predict we’ll soon hear. I’ll add more later since right now I have a peaceful easy feeling — it’s the Tim Horton’s coffee I made for breakfast. Feel free to cut and paste the examples below in order to free up time for Angry Birds.

• Um, hellooooo!? Only one home boy or home girl as a nominee? Did y’all forget we are living in Beijing? Forget there are literally thousands of Chinese chefs in this city? Ever heard of Mr Shi of Mr Shi’s Dumplings? Getting sick of me writing statements in question form yet? Yes? Shall I move on?
• Oh, great. Only one woman among the nominees. Guess who’ll clean up by splitting the vote and tripling ceviche prices? On the other hand, when Terra opened, the place charged someone I know rmb96 for a double cappuccino. That takes balls.
• Andy Bright at Union keeps playing a nine-minute-long live video of the rock band Led Zeppelin alternatively stunning and boring a crowd of listeners in Paris in 1968. That alone disqualifies him for any award whatsoever.
• It is hardly fair to include Alan Wong: he has a Ferrari and that automatically adds 20 percent more personality to anyone. We should demand Wong drive a Passat for the duration of this contest and, if he wins, sell it and use the money to add a toilet to Hatsune in Sanlitun.
• Calling planet Beijinger: You guys ever hear of chef Zach Lewison? His name is officially spelled A-W-E-S-O-M-E. (It’s true. He told me. And he said you can add as many exclamation marks to the end of that word as you want — he recommends ten at least.)
• 250+ establishments are nominated for the awards, only 12 people are in this category, and yet multiple nominees for some places? WTFIUWT!? Hey Beijinger, please do the right thing and make the equivalents of Brangelinas in these cases. For Daniel Urdaneta and Alex Molina, I suggest D-Mo; for Reto Kistler and Max Levy (both nominated for Opposite House venues), I suggest ReMax, and for Nicolas Socquet and Brian Reimer at Maison Boulud, go with Nic-O-Reim.
• While everyone here was getting nominations, Eduardo Guitierrez and Aitor Obelagoya at Migas were quietly — oh so quietly — bringing over top chefs from Spain, doing creative regional dinners, offering some of the best lunch value in town, putting on huge parties on the rooftop with quality snacks, and working on a demonstration kitchen and a new bar. You’re right. They shouldn’t be nominated. They’d be too busy to pick up the award anyway.
• Youssef Escobar, formerly of Argana, had more personality than all of these nominees put together! In fact, he had so much personality some customers couldn’t take it and refused to return. He deserves votes in absentia!
• Seth Grossman was nominated… only once!? If you ask me, the nomination list should read: Seth Grossman 1, Seth Grossman 2, Seth Grossman 3 and, because to win this category might give him a big head, Seth Grossman 4.

You can vote here.