I started this installment of the Give a Crap Report series months ago but kind of got busy. As usual, it covers what would happen if only bars and restaurants listened to me, me, me. (Maybe these reports need tag lines like The Crappiest Report Yet or Six Degrees of Crap. I’ll work on it.) Here we go…
41. Q Bar would organize a speed-dating event using its Q Boxes. Put a pair of ladies in each of the six boxes and have pairs of gents do a circuit–each stop lasts ten minutes and includes one shooter. The sparks should be flying after an hour or two.
42. Modo would change at least some of the sixteen bottles in its card-based wine machine. C’mon guys, I’ve already tried many of those wines four or five times and even my ex-boss from Shanghai has gone through them twice.
43. This comes courtesy of noted linguist Shannon R: He requests that Fubar regularly clean the button for its secret door given how many people are coming from the toilets and, after deciding it is too troublesome to wash their hands, pressing that button to re-enter the place. (By the way, this is reason 742 to not share free peanuts in bars.)
44. Speaking of Fubar, here are two more: 1) If the place is going to call itself a speakeasy and do special glasses, how about one in the shape of a claw-footed bathtub that holds a liter of gin (or gin tonic) and has a tiny tap to facilitate self-pouring at the table? 2) Since the RMB1 monthly parties are no more, how about some other kind of monthly event, such as a FU-ll Moon Party?
45. Someone would open a place beside Frank’s called Bean’s. (I wrote that before John Harkness from Goose and Duck took over Frank’s Place with his plans to rename the venue Johnny Duck’s.)
46. Someone would take all the trendy features of bar and restaurant names over the past decade, such as the “i” and “my” phenomena, the “@” sign, and the recent fascination with exclamation marks (Refresh! Gung Ho! Bang Bang!) to make one SuperBad name. Like iPizza@Sanlitun! or myIce!Cre@m! or iBangHo! We might need a smiley face, too. A blinking one.
47. Speaking of pizza, someone needs to open a hole-in-the-wall pizza-by-the-slice joint in Sanlitun. How can serving slabs of piping hot pie from 8 PM to 4 AM not result in an oven full of money? The place would probably make a profit just off me.
48. Still on pizza, Bang! Bang! should start some weekly specials that are in keeping with the place’s name. I’m thinking Pfft! Pfft! two-for-one beer night, Pop! Pop! wine deal night, and Ouch! Ouch! piping-hot-pizza-stuck-to-the-roof-of-my-mouth night.
49. Refresh! would café sell its coffee in pill form. This stuff is rocket fuel and if they could concentrate a cup into one capsule, one per day would keep me going.
50. Wait staff should never, ever pass a full glass of water, coffee, soda, beer, or any other liquid over an open laptop unless doing so would save the world from a meteor strike or some other tragedy. Ever….
Got some ideas on how to improve the scene? Leave them in the comments section or send them to me at beijingboyce (at) yahoo.com. If I use your idea, I’ll give you… um… I’ll give you a big virtual hug.
Give a Crap Report V: Blue Frog, Erlitun, Le Petit Gourmand, Prima Taste, and more
Give a Crap Report IV: Tun, Er, Hex, All-Star, Stadium, and more
Give a Crap Report III: This blog goes ballistic
Give a Crap Report II: Tun, Q, Maison Boulod, Press Club Bar, and more
Give a Crap Report I: Bookworm, Klubb Rouge, Maggie’s, All Star, Luga’s, and more