Beijing Boyce

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According to this site, the warlord Yan Xishan uses a Shanxi supercomputer to blog from beyond the grave on topics as varied as his appearance on the cover of Time as “China’s next president”, the “top 10 dynasties“, and recruitment efforts for his Juicy Pants Army (JPA). He also claims the ability to make occasional forays into our earthly realm for a beverage or two. Given this, I asked him to list his five favorite drinking spots. (Note: You can contact him at YanXishan (at) gmail dot com.)

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“Yan Xishan’s All Time Top Five Beiping Drinking Spots

5) Solutions: I may be China’s most successful warlord (suck it, Wu Peifu), but I must give some of the credit to my elite troops, the JPA. Some laughed at me when I first drunkenly suggested arming Juicy Pants clad females for defending the realm, but who is laughing now? Recruitment has been at times an issue, so many of my trips to Beiping included stops at this watering hole to meet and greet some very drunk potential recruits.

4) That Shanxi Jiaozi Place: I really wish I could tell you the name of this place, but every time I visited it was like 3 in the morning and I was absolutely shit-faced. Anyway, it was someplace near one of those lakes. This place was awesome. Tasty jiaozi, served with the world’s finest non-alcoholic liquid: Shanxi vinegar. Nothing revives me and gets me ready for more drinking than some vinegar from my hometown. Wash it all down with a half-dozen large bottles of Yanjing and call it a morning.

3) The Den: What can I say? I enjoy the company of the working ladies, and nothing beats having a drunken conversation with a woman of questionable morals while some Australian dude is dead asleep at the bar at 4:30 in the morning.

2) Phil’s Pub (Sanlitun South Bar Street Edition): Phil is an interesting dude. He speaks German, just like my old military adviser. He sells snuff. And he was cool with having bags and bags of rou chuanrs sent over from across the street. Now, some people would say that having teenage boys and girls hanging out after prom was a problem. These people are half right.

1) The Hidden Tree (Sanlitun South Bar Street Edition): Now I am not one to court controversy. If I have learned anything from my long time tenure in Taiyuan it is that it is best to keep a low profile. But screw it, it needs to be said. Putting in that pizza oven destroyed the greatest bar in the history of your fine metropolis. Sure, the pizza is good, and it goes great with booze. But oh, the countless wankers and tossers that invaded the bar once the damn oven was put in, it is just not worth it. Back in the day you could always find a spot at the bar, and good old Cao Jian would serve up the drinks so fast that my cenosillicaphobia never even had a chance to set in. Now? Not so much. I guess I like my bars the old fashioned way. Empty and desperate for my business.