No horsing around: Watermelons, wisdom, and security guards in Beijing

A scene on the fifth ring road (I couldn’t hear the conversation, so am guessing as to its content)…

beijing boyce bars blog horsing around police and watermelons

Security guy: Hey, you can’t park your horse here! Move it!

Standing guy: You must be joking. We chose this spot because it offers maximum distribution of our produce with minimal interference of traffic.

Reclining guy:  Yes, silly man. And this is actually research – part of our plan to write a superior treatise to “Let Us Speak of the Philosophic Questions of Selling Watermelons in Big Cities” by Chou Hsin-li.

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Security guy: Chou Hsin-Li, Chou Schmin Li. Move that horse or else!

Standing guy: Or else? To borrow a proverb, “power comes out the barrel of a gun,” not from the end of a finger, no matter how much you wag it.

Reclining guy: And might I add that your nails are filthy? If, as they say in the West, “cleanliness is next to godliness,” you are clearly next to atheism.

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Security guy: Ha, I’m back! Now it is four against two. Move that horse!

Standing guy: You realize the issue is not the horse but your desire to cover up general feelings of impotence by forcing others to do your bidding, no matter how menial the task. A classic case of “transference” or “covering one’s own ears while stealing a bell.”

Reclining guy: You further fail to consider the havoc our horse might wreak should we utter a command and have it send your colleagues scurrying. “When the tree falls, the monkeys scatter,” it is said, and, yes, that is also a slight toward your uniforms. Sooooo psuedo-establishment…

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Security guy: Big words! But we have bigger numbers. Now move that horse!

Standing guy: They say “The wise adapt themselves to circumstances, as water moulds itself to the pitcher” and so we shall move 20 meters up this street and beyond your puny jurisdiction.

Reclining guy: But we shall do so not out of fear but because your woefully inept group is increasing in size and creating a far bigger traffic issue than did we.

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Security guy: Good riddance!

Standing guy: My friend, “Distance tests a horse’s strength. Time reveals a person’s character.”

Reclining guy: And we hope that over the coming hours, days, and weeks, you will reflect on your behavior and realize that the mileage accumulated by you and your colleagues due to this episode is a hundredfold of what we have totalled. In other words, FAIL.

And with that, they did move 20 meters up the road and continued to sell their watermelons….

7 thoughts on “No horsing around: Watermelons, wisdom, and security guards in Beijing”

  1. Shi Fu Boyce you should know that army burning with righteous indignation is bound to win!!!

  2. I’m not sure they had enough guys to take on two fruit sellers, a cart, a horse and a whole lot of watermelon. Could have turned into a stagecoach chase at any moment.

  3. This story is factually incorrect. Here is the true eyewitness account:

    The security guard noticed the delicious fruit on display and asked the honorable farmer what the price would be to quench his hunger on this fine day.

    If the noble guard was to purchase 5 watermelons then he could have a 6th one for free he was informed.

    At this time the the guard generously invited his many guard friends to join in the joyous enjoyment of cooperatively harvested fruit at a reduced price.

    In order to complete the purchase of the watermelons it was necessary for the seller to move his humble cart to the roadside.

  4. Yes it is all true, I was indeed first hand witness to this magnificent transaction. Since 1902 I have been walking this same street and enjoying the sale of delicious watermelons to security guards and other cadres.

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