Beijing Boyce

The product of several hours of blood, sweat and tears, here is my first play, launched in honor of The Bookworm International Literary Festival (tickets go on sale this Saturday).

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CHARACTERS

SMITH, an English teacher in Beijing who is writing a novel about an English teacher in Beijing

MEIMEI, his girlfriend

X, a mysterious patron

PING, a language student who regularly taps his pencil against the tabletop while listening to an iPod turned loud enough that everyone hears a slight bass beat.

TOM, an “entrepreneur” who makes loud phone calls and yells “show me the money”, “win-win”, and “I’m a play-ah.”

FELICIA PHLEMINGTON-BUTTCLENCH, a thirty-something woman who makes knowing laughs at her laptop, dramatically blows smoke rings, and hopes someone notices either or both.

PATRONS, two dozen, doing their best to ignore Ping, Tom, and Felicia.

A GERBIL

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

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ACT I

The set is eerily similar to the front room of The Bookworm. At the high table, Ping taps his pencil, Tommy shouts into his phone, Felicia laughs and blows smoke rings, and Smith looks wistfully into the distance. Two dozen patrons try to be tolerant. X enters, sits beside Smith, opens his laptop, and starts typing. The background noise fades…

SMITH: (To X) Nice laptop.

X: (Looks over) Excuse me? Oh, the laptop. Yes, it’s quite good for writing.

SMITH: (Nods appreciatively) Writing, you say. What are you working on?

X: A screenplay and a novel - about Beijing (Smith gulps). I find it easier to do both at once, although finishing them in one month is a challenge. But you know how publishers are with deadlines.

SMITH: (Blushes) Of course… publishers… deadlines…. Would you excuse me?

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ACT II

The men’s toilet. Smith is in a stall and breathing into a paper bag. When calm, he calls Meimei. We hear her voice from offstage.

MEIMEI: I’m glad you called, don’t forget to…

SMITH: You won’t believe this. I just met a guy who says he’s writing a novel, says he already has a publisher, says he wrote it and a screenplay in a month, says…

MEIMEI: So?

SMITH: (Exasperated) So!? What if his novel is about an English teacher in Beijing!?

MEIMEI: I’m sure it’s not.

SMITH: What makes you say that?

MEIMEI: (Hesitates) Um, I don’t know. (Quickly) Anyway, why don’t you ask? It could easily be about something else, like being a journalist in Beijing.

SMITH: Good idea.

MEIMEI: And don’t forget to pick up some food for your gerbil on the way home.

SMITH: For the millionth time, it’s not a gerbil, it’s a hamster!

MEIMEI: Whatever.

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ACT III

The front room. Ping switches from tapping his pencil to picking his nose, Felicia  lights another cigarette, Tom sleeps, and two dozen patrons roll their eyes. Smith returns.

SMITH: (Smiling nervously at X) Sorry about that. Must have been the curry from lunch. Um, I  was kind of wondering what your novel is about. I mean, if it’s not a secret or anything.

X: No secret. It’s about an assassin in China during the economic crisis. He isn’t getting enough work, but he needs to keep in practice, so he starts knocking off English teachers in cafes and whatnot.

SMITH: English teachers?

X: Well, not always. Sometimes he kills a journalist or blogger by mistake, but those parts are mostly for comic relief.

SMITH: I see. I’m sorry, I need to excuse myself again (leaves).

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ACT IV

The men’s toilet stall. Smith calls Meimei.

MEIMEI: (Picks up and sounds bored) So, is it about an English teacher?

SMITH: No, it’s about an assassin who kills them! No publisher is going to want my novel!

MEIMEI: What are you talking about? Your book doesn’t have any assassins, let alone ones killing teachers or bloggers or…

SMITH: Bloggers!? Why would you say…

MEIMEI: (Quickly) Listen, I bet he doesn’t have anything like your scene about the guy teaching kids the third conditional. The way you turned that “If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?” class into a soliloquy on why Chinese nightclubs include tomatoes on their fruit plates, well, it’s priceless…

SMITH: It is pretty good, isn’t it?

MEIMEI: Yes. Now, don’t forget the gerbil food.

SMITH: Hamster! It’s a hamster!

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ACT V

Smith returns to the front room. He notices Ping, Felicia, and Tom are all napping now. He slides his chair closer to X and – just like in the real Bookworm – it makes a molar-rattling shudder as the steel frame skips across the tiled floor.

SMITH: (Smiles apologetically) Well, I think the last of that curry is gone, ha. By the way, I’m also a novelist.

X: Oh, really?

SMITH: (Sips his coffee) Yes, I’m writing about a foreign English teacher in Beijing. No assassins, mind you, but it is pretty good.

X: Well, assassination isn’t for everyone.

SMITH: (A little cocky) That’s right. My novel is more, uh, philosophical. I have this one scene where a teacher asks his students about vegetables and it turns into a whole tomato thing. It’s been described as “priceless.” (Sips coffee). Hmm, this tastes kind of funny.

X: (Opens his hand to reveal four empty vials) It could be this special “sugar” I added, though your three friends (points at Ping, Felicia, and Tom) don’t seem to mind… nor will they ever!* Muwhahahahaha! (The two dozen patrons make a collective “shhhh!“) As I said, the economy isn’t good and we assassins need practice. Plus ever since I met your girlfriend at ladies night, I’ve been infatuated and you’ve been in the way. (Smith starts to lose consciousness.) Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to meet my accomplice in crime. Right after I go to the pet shop…

Smith packs his laptop and leaves. The two dozen patrons breath a collective sigh of relief.

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* How did Smith get his “sugar” into their coffees? Well, that’s  his secret.

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Notes:

- Hemingway doesn’t appear in the play, but in The World Beyond he laments being unable to visit The Bookworm and try the blueberry cheesecake dessert named after him. He also prepares seats at the High Table in Heaven for Ping, Felicia, Tom, and Smith.

- I did try to warn Smith two years ago.

- Thanks to MB and TVG for reading this script.

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