Print this post and read it proper surroundings (pic: felixtreadswell).
This is part four in the Give a Crap Report series, which covers what would happen in the bar scene if only people listened to me, me me! (Previous reports listed at bottom.)
25. TUN would replace the highly wound springs on the swinging doors leading to the restrooms and thus reduce the number of cracked knuckles, bruised forearms and broken ribs as well as, for short people, bloody noses and, for tall people, “lower body injuries.”
26. Whiskey bar Er, which lacks its own toilet, would hire someone to clean the shared facilities patrons must use on the other side of the building’s lobby. The service, bourbon, and atmosphere are good at this place, but I would rather not see or, worse, slip on someone’s, um, processed spirits.
27. This is a long shot: Hex in the Legation Quarter would become the part of the set for a reality show in which people dress up like bees. That honeycomb look would make for the perfect bar and the actors could drop lines like “your hive or mine?” and “you are as sweet as honey.” (Before anyone out there writes that a hive only has one female, let me preempt them and point out that in my world bees are free to be gay.)
28. Back to the serious stuff: Stadium sports bar (happy hour currently includes two cans of Beamish for RMB30) would put an English-language sign on its door, which is wired shut, to let patrons know they must reach the place via Drei Kronen 1308.
29. And Stadium would have no charge for peanuts.
30. A bar would regularly show NHL games and especially Hockey Night in Canada, which is on Saturdays and thus perfectly timed for a Sunday morning breakfast crowd in Beijing. Why can I find ten places to doze off while watching F1 and not a single spot to see the sweet art of elbowing? <– I wrote this before learning the Goose and Duck is showing games. Consider this one crossed off.
31. I have seen that “perfection takes patience” motto on the wall, but Crobar would nevertheless take down its “opening soon” sign until it is within one month of doing so. (I hear the place might open in June.)
32. All-Star would not charge RMB24 for toast – two slices, cut in half, with a pat of butter – unless it came with a complete breakfast. They would also stop sending mobile phone spam to people who did volunteer to receive it.
Note: I’m having a problem with the “comments” function on the blog. If you want to leave one, please email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll post it. I hope to have things fixed by tomorrow afternoon.
Give a Crap Report III: This blog goes ballistic
Give a Crap Report II: Tun, Q, Maison Boulod, Press Club Bar, and more
Give a Crap Report I: Bookworm, Klubb Rouge, Maggie’s, All Star, Luga’s, and more