Something about two-for-one drinks inspires creative thought and Tuesday night proved no exception as an off comment during a powwow with The Village Grouch and The Village Encyclopedia provided an explosive solution to a pressing problem. The latter opined that one can only get attention in this world if – think Iran and North Korea – one claims to be building a nuclear bomb.
As regular readers know, I have been running a series called the Give a Crap Report about what would happen in the bar scene if only people listened to me. The obvious problem is no one listens. And the obvious solution is to claim to be building a nuclear bomb. Consider it done. And unless I get some results, such as Union Bar & Grille including more toast with its breakfasts (see below), the bar scene can expect me to rain down upon it some atomic vodka-infused chaos – we have to use Smirnoff because heavy water is too hard to source (and, yeah, I’m kidding).
Anyway, here is the newest report, with eight things that would happen if the bar scene gave a crap what I thought…
17. Some enterprising bar owner would open a place that stocked Australian wines and beers, served meat pies, and went by the name The Budgie Smuggler.
18. The Union Bar & Grille would add another piece of toast to its brunch. Yes, two eggs, toast, hash browns, meat, and bottomless coffee for RMB45 is a superb deal, but here’s the problem: I put an egg on each of the two slices provided and thus need an additional slice to mop up the excess yolk and/or for the jam. One more piece, that’s all I ask. And if it happens, I would argue this is the best brunch deal in town.
19. Paddy O’Shea’s would stop sending out invites in ALL CAPS. BECAUSE USING CAPITALS MAKES IT HARDER TO READ. A black 12-point font and sentence case would do just fine.
20. The Legation Quarter would erect a big showy sign out front so taxi drivers can a) find it when I go there and, even better, b) start to recognize the place as a landmark as they repeatedly pass by. The current situation smacks of what happened at RBL, which lacked a decent sign and thus made it hard to find, an unfortunate situation given the substantial foot traffic in Wangfujing. (By the way, every time I leave The Legation Quarter, I have trouble getting a taxi. Not hailing one, mind you, but getting the driver to agree to take me to the Workers Stadium area. What gives?)
21. DJ outfit Acupuncture, which has done a rocking job filling venues around town, would get its own spot and reap more of the profits. Suggested name: Drop the Needle. Well, maybe a better choice would be: Acupuncture.
22. The decision-makers at Luga’s HQ, which has borrowed perhaps a few too many things from its competitors – ranging from events and décor to an entire bar – would NOT follow-up the opening of burrito joint Side Saddle by the Rickshaw / Saddle Cantina guys by starting a place called Side Luga’s.
23. Drei Kronen 1308 would a) start calling itself DK1308, which is easier for people to remember, and b) restart its two-for-one happy hour until midnight. They aren’t going to fill this place when beer is RMB58 per kuai pint, coffee is RMB40, and soda is RMB30.
24. Someone would do something about the glaring discrimination when it comes to free drinks nights. It is all for the ladies, the ladies, and the ladies. Frankly, in this day and age, you would expect people to be more progressive. So, I put it to the bar owners collective – who is going to be the first to do a lady boys night?
See also:
Give a Crap Report II: Tun, Q, Maison Boulod, Press Club Bar, and more
Give a Crap Report I: Bookworm, Klubb Rouge, Maggie’s, All Star, Luga’s, and more
Say, y'all know the way to Lotus Lane?
Here here on having a guy’s night.
I’m seriously considering slapping on some drag to get a piece of the gigantic-free-drinks action at TUN on Fridays and Mondays…
Sounds like some of my unheeded advice to bars nearby. The entire second floor of bars has closed down TWICE because they weren’t profitable. The ground floor is barely profitable. And they have no specials and charge 40 kuai and up for one drink.
I don’t care what the place is actually called, I call it “Lugaville” and that’s that.
In #23, it should be RMB 58 per glass or mug, not kuai.
@ Charlie,
I figure sticking to RMB15 Tiger beer is cheaper than buying a dress.
Cheers, Boyce
@ Chinamatt,
Yep, maybe they figure they will get the same number of patrons but only half the revenue. But if it’s between taking a risk and going out of business, I know the one I’d pick.
Cheers, Boyce
@ TVG,
Thanks, and corrected.
Cheers, Boyce
@ Jingbo,
I call it that, too, but I’m imagining a new spot that borrows the “Side” from “Side Saddle”.
Cheers, Boyce
I seem to remember that former lesbian bar Pipe’s Cafe used to have a men’s night.
Men’s Night supporters are forgetting the basic formula:
Attract drunk ladies, men will pay
Attract drunk men, ladies stay away
I know, Boyce, reference was to the previous GAC Report.
BB
On the heels of your Union Station best brunch recommendation, I (being the breakfast critic that I am) need to through in a suggestion for bar (in this case) restaurant owners should listen too . .
Coffee.. . .
…. should be hot, tasty and served in a big mug (not a tea cup). It is not hard to make good (ok decent) coffee.
. . . should be bottomless as part of any “big” breakfast combo. ALWAYS.
…..should cost no more than 10 RMB (pushing it) per “cup” (should be mug) if not included in breakfast combo (Read carefully Den management). If you are going to charge 20 RMB for a little cup of luke warm swill to satisfy those of us with gotta have addictions, keep in mind it is easier to walk down to the corporation of all things satanic and corporate (yes Starbucks) and pay 18 RMB (16 if you bring your own cup) for a grande coffee of the day which is a) hot, b) reasonably tasty.
. . . . is a crucial part of breakfast (brunch if you get up late like Boyce does), give coffee the respect it deserves.
Danger
PS. I spent 20 min on the phone trying to order a pizza last night from a local pizza monolith. The problem was my crappy Chinese and their crappy (all 4 different staff members I spoke to) English. I got the order finally made, but could not describe how to get to my flat (less than two blocks away – I know, I should have just walked there – which I eventually did) – so I gave up. I don’t get it, I know I need to work on my language skills but with the constant flow of expats into the Jing, one would think a successful way to establish a customer base would be to ensnare new arrivals by simply having one staff member that can communicate. My two cents