Beijing Boyce

Some readers assume this blog wields influence in the Beijing bar scene.

True, a glowing review might inspire up to a handful of people to visit a given bar; the occasional op-ed piece can affect monumental change (case in point: my wet naps campaign at The Rickshaw*); and a few stakeholders – usually uptight pub owners or uppity magazine editors – have unleashed verbal tirades at me. But these are exceptions and more could be done if only the people in power simply did what I say (for example, we could have had those wet naps thousands of chicken wings earlier).

In this spirit, I introduce a feature known as If Beijing Bar Owners Gave a Crap What I Thought, by the terser version GAC (Give a Crap) Report, and by the handy acronym IBBOGACWIT.

It will look at what could be in the bar (and restaurant, club, and hotel) scene if I could snap my fingers and make things happen. From small details about a particular place, such as strengthening an anemic Gin Tonic or stopping employees who cut their nails on the bar top and sweep the clippings on the floor, to macro stuff, such as ending the “soft opening” insanity or vaporizing press releases with sentences that end in multiple exclamation marks.

I do so knowing the odds of affecting change are close to zero, but if even one suggestion in a hundred is considered, it’s something. And as the old Chinese saying goes, “Even when you talk to a post, at least you exercise your jaw (and make a new friend).”

Here’s the first GAC Report…

1. The Bookworm would fix its constantly rattling, regularly slamming, and always nerve-jarring front door. Oh, wait. It did. Three weeks ago. With a nice shiny automatic sliding number. People, what a start!

2. Luga’s Villa would become Lugaville. It reads and sounds better, in a Jimmy Buffet sort of way.

3. Klubb Rouge would become the new Maggie’s. Six reasons why:

• It is downtown, in the China View complex, yet fairly isolated from residential areas.
• The front entrance on Workers Stadium East is complimented by the more secluded back alley entrance near City Hotel, with plenty of taxi access.
• The place offers the stretch limo of long bars and this means space both for those negotiating “joint ventures” and those simply there to have fun.
• The excellent sound system and dance floor would let the much-loved Maggie’s DJ cut loose.
• The Den is nearby and could provide the hot dogs and other tasty eats (and a flashback to when Maggie’s operated just up the street where Jasmine and Buffalo now sit).
• The place isn’t working as a night club, as evident by the lack of patrons and a shift from expensive cocktails to an all-you-can-drink format.

Yes, Klubb Rouge would need cosmetic changes (the images of scantily clad women on the club’s giant pillars wouldn’t really fit) and there are issues of guanxi, but all I’m saying is that if Maggie’s does end up reopening in a new spot, then why not here?

4. All Star would cut its losses as a sports bar and invest in becoming a stocks bar. The 65 screens would be tuned to business programs and investment advice shows, and follow the world’s markets as they open ever westward, 24/7. Seriously, the only people willing to stare at a screen longer than sports nuts are stock market fanatics (exception: cricket followers), so I could see patrons bringing overnight bags and knocking back plenty of beverages, both in terms of quality and quantity.

Stocks down in London? Order a bucket of budget Tsingtao. Make a bundle in New York? Order Krug from Bling upstairs. Need a break from Tokyo? Go watch the bored pole dancer at nearby Sex and Da City. Manage to stay awake for 72 hours straight? Get a personalized All-Star coffee / Red Bull mug.

All Star’s isolation in Solana is also a benefit, since the risk of not finding a taxi for up to an hour will be enough to encourage people to bunker even longer. And if the owners want to retain a sports angle, shift toward betting, with coverage of Vegas odds, fantasy league shows, and the like.

5. Any five-star hotel chain with native English-speakers at the position of vice general manager or above that consistently puts out invitations, press releases, and promotional campaigns laden with typos, poor grammar, and Chinglish would lose a star. Another star would be lost for chronic use of multiple exclamations marks to conclude sentences in a pathetic attempt to make a minor benefit seem monumental (Five percent off!!!) or smiley faces in official correspondence.

6. Drei Kronen 1308 – which has few customers, good but pricey home brew (RMB58 per pint), and plenty of solid cold-weather food like sausage, schnitzel, sauerkraut, pretzels, bread, and mashed potatoes – would create a Wunderbar Winter Wonderland Sunday Brunch that includes a full buffet and all-you-can-drink beer for a reasonable price (RMB188?).

7. Flair bartenders would be exiled to Shanghai or some other hellhole.

(Just kidding, Shanghai expatriates, just kidding. Seriously, calm down, I didn’t mean it. Really, I… hey, look what I have! A shiny penny! Isn’t that pretty? Yes, I thought you would like it. It’s so… shiny… and… pretty. [Pause] Now, while I have you my under spell, one other thing: When you meet someone new, wait at least a dozen seconds before you ask his or her job and, if the job cited doesn’t interest you, wait at least another dozen seconds before you drift away in utter boredom. Trust me, we like you, but doing this one little thing will make us like you even more. Just saying…)

8. “Soft opening” would mean a bar, club, or restaurant is still getting its service, food, and drinks up to par and thus offers reduced prices or extra portions to compensate. “Hard opening” would mean the establishment is prepared to provide full value. Even better, there would just be an “opening”, with no adjective to indicate its firmness.

More items coming soon!

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* OK, technically my mom got the credit for the wet naps.

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I realize the city has several “open mic” nights about town, but for those in the Sanlitun / Workers Stadium area, the one at TUN is worth checking out. It starts at 9:30 PM each Tuesday and features a two-for-one deal on most beers and regular mixed drinks as well as entertainment from regulars like Rob, John, Ian, and Tavey, Bad Apples singer Michael, and occasional performers like – last night – Gordon doing Vanilla Ice and Tracy doing what we’ll call an exotic dance.

A good vibe and a good crowd on the three nights I attended.

And rumor has it manager Chad Lager will soon join the action by doing spoken word hair band songs from the eighties, with Guns N’ Roses’ ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ and Motley Crue’s “Girls, Girls, Girls” among the likely first picks. I say go for the Crue:

Crazy Horse, Paris, France
Forget the names, remember romance

Without the electric guitars, it is sheer poetry…

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Note: If you like this blog, please vote for it in the China Blog awards. Just go here and click the “plus” sign. Also much obliged if you vote for sibling site Grape Wall of China here.