Beijing Boyce

Someone spiked the Kool-Aid at City Weekend again if this review of the sports bar / hip hop club duo of All Star / Bling is any indication:

… All Star serves up excellent pub grub, including some of the juiciest burgers in Beijing, so you won’t go hungry during your total sports immersion. There’s even a hip-hop club upstairs, Bling, so you can get down with some beautiful people after the last event wraps. Maintaining top-notch service and quality…

What’s the problem?

That it’s pretty hard to review burgers, service, or pretty much anything besides the amount of sawdust on the floor given THESE PLACES HAVE NOT YET OPENED. Well, unless you have a crystal ball*.

Incredibly, even as the magazine raves, it notes an opening date of August 1. Fortunately, this issue is otherwise useful, with a comprehensive list of places that do exist for people to enjoy and a handy Olympics events schedule.

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Meanwhile, Time Out, which had its print edition shelved because it lacked a publishing license, is putting out a double issue, with the editor justifying the move because there won’t be enough material for two editions.

I hope that’s a misquotation, because a large number of restaurants and bars continue to open in Beijing, because Solana and The Village in Sanlitun are cranking out retail shops, and because… hang on… there was something else… what was it… oh, yeah… because BEIJING IS HOLDING THE OLYMPICS!

Not enough material? The photo ops from VIP parties alone would fill a magazine, not to mention that it would be useful to take the lessons learned from the Olympics in August and package them for regular readers and tourists alike when Beijing holds the Paralympics in September. I’m guessing Time Out London won’t reduce its publishing schedule when the English capital holds the Summer Games in 2012.

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With Time Out doubling up, I guess more readers will depend on the new that’s Beijing, which coughed out a hairball of a first edition last month. How would you like to be among the former employees, who now all work at The Beijinger, and see your labor of love redefine the concept “white space”? Seriously, you usually don’t see layout that poor or holes that big even at draft stage, even if you use Microsoft Word. Add a stark cover titled “The wolf comes at midnight” (and no hint at what it means) and a story about foreigners’ “stench”, and the optimist in me says this magazine is going to get better.

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Meanwhile, The Beijinger looks and reads almost the same as the old that’s Beijing - I’ll leave it up to you to decide if that’s good, that’s bad, or that’s just the way it is.

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Last but not least, look for the magazine racks to get even more crowded. Local Noodles, an online resource for restaurant, bar, and other reviews in Beijing, will join the fray when it launches a print edition early next month.

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* And I do. I bought it at Yashow for 10 kuai. Let me use it to review a future issue of City Weekend. Okay, I’m rubbing it, I’m getting a good vibe, I’m starting to see things…

The magazine will spend too much time promoting the Web site, “City Seen” will have photos from Block 8, and the cover will have a headline with a big number, like “88 places to spay your poodle in Peking!” The cliché quotient will cause weeping and gnashing of teeth, intelligent writers will tend to end up sounding like hopped-up cheerleaders, and someone will again cause the naughty to grin by referring to the Olympics as “the big O.”

Seriously, I know some smart writers at City Weekend, and at all of the free magazines for that matter, but it sometimes feels like the format doesn’t let their abilities come through.

Have you heard this one? An Irish chef, a Canadian blogger, and a Chinese waitress are in the kitchen. The chef gives the blogger a plastic bag of chocolate mousse, the waitress says, “put it in your mouth and pop it,” and the blogger says…

Hey, wait a minute. That actually isn’t a joke - it’s part of a night spent with chef Brian McKenna of the Shangri-la Hotel’s Blu Lobster restaurant. Acquaintances have (mostly) love it and (sometimes) hate it reactions to McKenna’s cuisine, while my sole experience came under trying circumstances - he catered the Robert Parker dinner on the Great Wall. So, after meeting him in person at an event about six weeks ago and later getting an invite to sit at the ‘chef’s table‘, I took him up on the offer.

Here’s the lowdown on a night that included a test tube, a toothbrush, and a Gin Tonic. (Note: All photos are from my crappy phone camera, although I lost my shots of the first half-dozen or so dishes.)

6:53 Despite the rain and traffic, I arrive at Blu Lobster seven minutes early, grab a cozy chair out front, and wait for The Long Walk to the kitchen.

7:02 The chef’s table is squeezed into a corner near the door, with a wall full of spice jars on one side, a vista of cooking stations on the other, and a mini chandelier above. Assistant sommelier Alex pours Duval-Leroy Champagne. Nice way to start!

7:08 The palate cleanser is a “gin tonic“: a crispy slice of lemon topped with a cube of tonic water jelly and lemon sorbet. McKenna sprays on Hendrick’s Gin from what looks like a cologne bottle. (It’s the perfect scent for a night at Q Bar.) The GT is creative and refreshing.

7:13 Next up: “soup” served in a test tube and made of pureed lettuce and coconut foam (reminds me of split pea); a chunk of foie gras on caramelized rice (interesting contrast, but means an overly sticky caramel candy effect); and an oyster with lime and star anise (this one tingles with a “pop rocks” candy effect - imagine miniature fireworks in your mouth).

7:18 I had expected cooks to utter profanities, flames to leap from a dozen burners, and an entire staff blinded by sweat to race against time. But the kitchen is cool, clean, and quiet. Where’s my Kitchen Confidential experience!? Actually, McKenna loses his temper at one point. I’ll intersperse four McKenna Meltdowns in this write-up - see if you can guess which is real.

7:19 McKenna Meltdown I: A waiter rushes in and gasps that a group of 20 people have arrived unannounced. McKenna runs his fingers through his hair and gives a controlled scream. This elicits no response from the staff. With a maniacal laugh, he says “seat them in the bathroom” and crashes through the swinging kitchen doors.

Note: Because this post is so long, I have given it a special page. Find out about further McKenna meltdown scenarios, the toothbrush, and more by clicking here.