Beijing Boyce

Eighty-eight is a lucky number in China, so for each of the 88 days until the 2008 Olympics, I will strip-mine my brain to unearth a thought related to Beijing and The Games. That’s one thought per brain cell. It’s called teamwork, people!

The Beijing Olympics organizing committee issued a detailed handbook of ground rules for foreign visitors to this summer’s Games. The 57 points address behavior from public drunkenness to political statements, a message that China won’t be letting down its guard during the Games.

- The Wall Street Journal

What is shocking is not that China issued guidelines for Olympic visitors, that it issued them only in Chinese, or that entertainment venues must close between 2 AM and 8 AM. No, what is shocking is the number of guidelines – 57. Any red-blooded comrade will tell you the proper number – 88. The Olympics workload must be taking its toll, so to help close that 31-guideline deficit, I’m pitching in with a few additional rules for foreign visitors.

58. Visitors who leave huge tips – thus creating an environment in which such gratuities will be sought long after the Games are over and said visitors are gone – shall be immediately deported.

59: Visitors are not allowed to wear the following: knee-high socks (white or otherwise), backward baseball hats, or T-shirts that show the Fuwa and/or Edison Chen in compromising positions.

60. Visitor are not allowed to take more than five photos of scorpions on a stick, including three of a spouse, friend, or other person making faces while pretending to eat one.

61. American visitors are not allowed to use “like” and “no wayyyyyyy” a total of more than 88 times daily.

62. European tourists who are losing an argument to an American tourist on a topic such as who has the best beer, music, or literature are not allowed to desperately utter, “but what about Iraq?“

63. Canadian visitors are not allowed to get offended if someone mistakes them for an American visitor unless said Canadian can name all ten of his or her country’s provinces and their capitals.

64. Visitors are not allowed to hurt the feelings of the host country.

65. Visitors who scream “ni hao!” more than three times into their cell phone in an attempt to amuse friends in another country will be immediately executed and their bodies, in the spirit of the “green Olympics”, will be used for dumpling meat.

66. Overweight visitors who use squat toilets are responsible for having health insurance that covers re-constructive knee surgery.

67. Visitors are not allowed to bring into the country any of the following: politically sensitive publications, flags of “renegade” provinces, non-harmonious thoughts, or kangaroos (live or otherwise).

68. Visitors staying with friends must register with the local police within 24 hours. If the process of registering takes more than 24 hours, they shall be issued a cell with free daily seasonal fruit platter and semi-private bath, and be required to register said cell as their China address with the local police within 24 hours.

69. Visitors who partake in cheap “all you can drink” specials at local bars and the next day complain they have a hangover will be identified as unable to realize the obvious and immediately be sent for re-education.

That’s a start…

Previously
Thought 1: If they build it, we may come
Thought 2: “Whether or not” in Sanlitun
Thought 3: Living the lowlife on Lotus Lane
Thought 4: The F&B scene takes a pre-Olympics breather?
Thought 5: Flaming Fuwa
Thought 6: Continental drink
Thought 7: The Parallel Bars?