Beijing Boyce

The last post provided *suggested* resolutions for bar patrons and this one looks at bar owners and staff. The first group of resolutions appeared in the newsletter early last year. The second group appeared in an article I wrote for The Insider’s Guide to Beijing that came out last fall.

From the newsletter:

I shall not ask customers to pay for my mistakes, such as the difference between the RMB60 I have programmed into the cash register for a pint of Guinness and the RMB50 I’ve errantly printed on the menu; I shall accept the one-time loss of revenue rather than the permanent loss of the customer.

I shall not remove, nor lay hand upon, any glass containing more than a half-mouthful of liquid unless the patron whose glass it is has exited the premises or indicated it be taken away; nor will I hover above said patron waiting for him/her to finish that final mouthful; if I do so because of a shortage of glasses, I will take measures to have more purchased.

I will not pick my nose or ears, scratch my armpits or nether regions, or engage in any other unseemly conduct before handling food; nor will I regurgitate phlegm and mull it in my mouth in front of customers.

I will not practice my Chinese / English / other language with customers who do not wish to do so (and will learn to recognize when they are doing so out of politeness), bore them with lengthy stories about a particular alcohol’s history, or make asides on what are obviously their private conversations.

[Specifically for managers]

I will not chastise, denigrate or mock my employees in front of patrons as it makes me look unprofessional and my customers feel uncomfortable; I will defend those same employees from unreasonable and obnoxious patrons.

From the Insider’s Guide:

I shall not serve red wine ice cold or white wine lukewarm, not keep an opened bottle of wine for months on end, hoping that a customer might just happen along and buy a glass.

I shall make standard drinks with at least one-and-a-half ounces of alcohol; I shall not use one ounce or (gasp!) three-quarters of an ounce, and will not cite some 5,000-year-old Chinese measuring system as an excuse.

I shall ensure that the brand of alcohol indicated on the label matches the brand of alcohol contained in the bottle.

I shall remember that a Bloody Mary comes with a celery stalk.

I shall fully wash the soap off the glasses, use clean water when doing so, and use clean towels when wiping them dry.

I shall avoid serving any drink that is on fire, fully recognizing that putting highly flammable substances around inebriated patrons is a cocktail for disaster.

I shall not wait for the customer to remind me to bring back the change, but will instead assume he/she wants it promptly delivered.

These resolutions first appeared last January in the newsletter. I thought I’d mark the New Year by posting them on the blog.

I shall not equate the intelligence of a bar owner or employee with his/her proficiency in my language and will thus refrain from voicing such things as “gin AND tonic,” “ginnnnnnnn and tonnnnnnic” or “gin… and… tonic,” nor shall I become incensed for him/her misunderstanding my pathetic attempts at speaking his/her language.

I shall not assume that because I am in a boisterous mood, everyone else should be, and will thus refrain from hugging, giving high fives to, clinking glasses with at near-breakage speeds or inviting to be members of my luge team those patrons / strangers who are obviously uninterested.

I shall retreat to a secluded area when I expect to be on my cell phone for more than three minutes, thereby sparing fellow patrons from stories about last night’s “score,” pleas to an upset spouse, or details of the soap opera about so-and-so’s co-worker’s boyfriend’s best friend’s sister breaking up with “some guy who totally is, like, soooooo lame.”

I shall not take advantage of my position as a patron to fondle the bar’s owner, manager, bartenders, wait staff, cooks, cleaners, security guards or suppliers, or any of their relatives or pets that may happen to be on the premises.

I shall never reach behind the bar to grab objects, such as knives or corkscrews, nor stand there in an attempt to appear as part of the “in” clientele, as I am only being a nuisance to the staff and as interesting as a coat rack to the patrons; should I go behind the bar, I will either wear a disguise or claim to be Da Shan, which would defeat the whole purpose of showing off, so instead I shall sit on my bar stool, drink my beer and relax.