Beijing Boyce

On my planet, the World Cup is a colossal chalice from which the peoples of the globe take a healthy draught in the name of peace. On this one, it is a bunch of matches during which players run back and forth like caffeinated gazelles, flop on the grass like gored bulls, and periodically direct a ball toward, and more rarely into, a net (and then blow kisses and pile on one another). Some day, I may fully understand these phenomena. Until then, here are ten World Cup observations from a soccer/football novice:

(1)

Did anyone NOT make the link between the U.S. fielding a player named Pope and earning a tie against Italy? “Italy tackles Pope” - that phrase alone inhibited the boys from Rome.

(2)

Why not give the referees more options than a yellow card (caution) or red card (ejection)? Possible additions:

- Black card: For a foul deserving more than a red card; the suspension equals in games the number of times the referee thrusts the card skyward.

- Black Card, with Jolly Roger: For an exceptionally egregious foul; offending player is executed on-field; final meal is allowed, counts toward injury time.

- Green Card: For convincing an opposing player to defect to your country, thereby reducing his team’s strength.

- Smiley-face Card: For helping up three fallen opponents during a game.

- Plaid Card: For fouls committed by Scottish players.

- Origami Card: For fouls committed by Japanese players.

- Jean-Luc Pi-Card: For fouls committed by players who are bald, eloquent, and/or Star Trek fans.

(3)

The sombrero is an unfortunate national symbol for Mexico, as is obvious to any fan sitting behind someone who is wearing or waving one.

(4)

Isn’t it a bit unfair to have two teams against one, such as in the England versus Trinidad and Tobago match?

(5)

One word, five letters: Ghana. That’s my team. I called the country’s embassy in Beijing last week and had the following conversation (it has been abbreviated for readability):

Me: I’m a fan of the Ghana team and want to get a jersey. Does the embassy have any for sale?

Ghana Guy: No.

Me: Do you know where I can get one?

GG: My guess would be Ghana.

Me: It wouldn’t arrive in time for Sunday’s game [it was Thursday]. Doesn’t any place sell them in Beijing?

GG: No.

Me: How about flags? Do you have any Ghana flags?

GG: Yes, we have one.

Me: Can I buy it?

GG: I don’t think so. It’s flying above our embassy.

Me: Can I rent it instead?

GG: No-o-o!

Lucky for me, M-Dawg pointed me to slsflag.com.cn, where they have plenty of Ghana flags and in plenty of sizes. Incidentally, I didn’t have a favorite soccer team, so I adopted Ghana’s a month ago because in college I had two house mates, Thomas and Edward, from there. Plus, it’s Ghana’s first World Cup, they are underdogs, and the players are creative and happy-go-lucky. What else can you ask for, except that they pull off a major upset? Oh, wait. They did. Against Czech! Go Ghana!

(6)

Perhaps the most memorable comment from the English broadcasts came after an Italian player bloodied an American one with an elbow (and no, it wasn’t Pope): “Of course, nobody’s allowed to stay on the field with blood escaping from their bodies [short and thoughtful pause] these days.”

Second place? The following inconsistent statements, barely a minute apart: “It’s that sort of game, very even” and “Ghana could easily be up three or four.”

(7)

Why does the average American find soccer/football boring, but the average person everywhere else finds it exciting? Does this gap in views explain U.S. foreign policy? Could it be reduced if the players wore helmets, chewed tobacco and called a dozen timeouts per game? Discuss.

(8)

I find it amusing that players sometimes writhe on the ground due to the slightest contact with an opposing player but seem able to withstand, and even enjoy, being blindsided and knocked to the ground by their entire team after scoring a goal.

(9)

Why do the English fans sing “God Save the Queen”? Freddie Mercury has been dead for more than a decade.

(10)

Finally, as someone who has never been keen on football, the World Cup has been an eye-opener. Many games have been superb, the play has been fast and aggressive (yes, I realize that most of the time the players are not acting when they go down), and… wait… there was something else I wanted to mention… wait… what was it? Oh, yes… Ghana won!