Beijing Boyce

Last issue, I listed some resolutions for bar managers and employees and, based on my experience of the past two weeks, they don’t read or don’t care about my humble advice. In any case, one must not give up hope, and this time I offer some suggestions for bar goers in the New Year:

I shall not equate the intelligence of a bar owner or employee with his/her proficiency in my language and will thus refrain from voicing such things as “gin AND tonic,” “ginnnnnnnn and tonnnnnnic” or “gin… and… tonic,” nor shall I become incensed for him/her misunderstanding my pathetic attempts at speaking his/her language.

I shall not assume that because I am in a boisterous mood, everyone else should be, and will thus refrain from hugging, giving high fives to, clinking glasses with at near-breakage speeds or inviting to be members of my luge team those patrons / strangers who are obviously uninterested.

I shall retreat to a secluded area when I expect to be on my cell phone for more than three minutes, thereby sparing fellow patrons from stories about last night’s “score,” pleas to an upset spouse, or details of the soap opera about so-and-so’s co-worker’s boyfriend’s best friend’s sister breaking up with “some guy who totally is, like, soooooo lame.”

I shall not take advantage of my position as a patron to fondle the bar’s owner, manager, bartenders, wait staff, cooks, cleaners, security guards or suppliers, or any of their relatives or pets that may happen to be on the premises.

I shall never reach behind the bar to grab objects, such as knives or corkscrews, nor stand there in an attempt to appear as part of the “in” clientele, as I am only being a nuisance to the staff and as interesting as a coat rack to the patrons; should I go behind the bar, I will either wear a disguise or claim to be Da Shan, which would defeat the whole purpose of showing off, so instead I shall sit on my bar stool, drink my beer and relax.

(From Beijing Boyce VIII, first emailed on January 13, 2006)